Glitter Every Day

babycakes

2012-01-18T21:59:00.000-06:00

this post isn't really about cancer - but it was in me, and i don't have another place for it.
this past weekend my kids got a brand new baby brother! no you didn't miss anything - their dad and his wife had a baby boy. She, the mama, had breast cancer too, right before me, so it's a lucky thing, this baby.
We were all excited and waiting. I was happy to have a baby in the fam.
But i have to say when i saw that first picture of him on FB i got pangs.
Are there other emotions than the 6 obvious ones?
is nostalgia a feeling?
i don't know what it is - i cried, but i wasn't sad. I am not in love with my ex husband, i'm not jealous. I don't want another baby. but something about seeing him, knowing he's connected to my kids...
I think it's nostalgia of some sort. I loved being a baby mommy. I was a really good baby mommy. Intuitive, patient, seamless. It was a blissful time. i loved that bubble of special of being a new mom.
I loved nursing. That's weird, i can remember, sort of, the feeling of the milk letting down, the euphoric dreaminess. Knowing that i don't have those breasts anymore...maybe thats part of it. the baby symbolizes something impossible from my past. Also a simpler, more naive time, when breast cancer, single parenting, teenage kids, earning a living, n stuff weren't part of my concern.
I'm gonna love that baby like a nephew plus 1

Crazy sexy lessons and HAPPY new year!

2012-01-02T19:37:00.003-06:00

So as you may or may not know, I am a Kris Carr groupie. She could be in my glitter unicorn club if I knew her in real life she's that groovy.

Today i read a post of hers on her website, a timely post. I found it as I sat down with my main Unicorn, Beth to do our yearly new years ritual of vegan chili dogs and goal setting. Not just work and resolutiony stuff, but everything, we brainstorm and write in our Wizard of Oz journals all the things that make us happy, that we want to do or have or achieve, so you will see why a post titled "10 things I learned from people who survive cancer" is relevant. I read it out loud as an inspiration for us and had a hard time not crying. (the link is below) - I am that, I have become and done the things on that list - well except for the bungee jumping shit, I will never do that. But I am and do all those things. And honestly I didn't before cancer. And it's a gift , it really is, i know gift is a touchy word among cancer survivors, yet i don't know a better way to describe the positives that have resulted since going through it all. But these lessons are for everyone. Just do it, prioritize joy, now!
One of the first things I thought this morning knowing I was going to be powwowing with beth tonight, was that my leading word of the year was HAPPY. Happy is the underlying motivation for all I do and all I hope to achieve. I hope it sprinkles on all of you like glitter.

Here my friends is the post, read It and be happy.

10 THINGS I LEARNED FROM PEOPLE WHO SURVIVE CANCER

I'm sexy & i know it

2011-12-14T08:37:00.000-06:00

yeah that's a provocotive title
and a questionable song
my daughter hates it
i love it - much to my daughter's chagrin
it actually is one of my tear trigger songs

really this post is about Zumba
I have been taking a Zumba class at the YMCA downtown with a teacher named Nikki.
Nikki is the bomb

actually this post is about how amazing Zumba makes me feel and how i think that it is a freakin fanatstic excercise for breast cancer survivors.

reasons:
it's FUN - and after all that shit it's really fun to just have fun
it gets you moving in fluid ways - ways that really open up and move the areas affected by surgeries.
but more than anything - it makes you feel sexy
that's so incredibly important after having gone through something that challenges that aspect of yourself so profoundly.
I think i have spent a majority of my life reserved in my physical body, not totally free. self concious.
After treatment - i feel both more reserved - yet also more not giving a shit about small stuff. So the reservations are shedding.
Class means i do that cliche "dance like no one is watching" - yet i'm in a room full of other women (and men) of all ages, shapes & sizes, all shaking our booties and shimmying our shoulders, channeling shakira. everyone is smiling, you can't help it. It's truly one of the most liberating and happifying things i've done in a long time
I don't know if all classes are like this, i have a feeling that Nikki's choreography, song choices & enthusiastic energy make some magical concoction
So back to that song - when we dance to that song - i get a little emo - cos yeah, it's the truth, and it's the truth for every lady in there. i feel hot, sassy & strong. I don't care what i look like, i feel like that.
Nikki's Zumba classes are therapy. physical & emotional. pure joy!

(i'm pretty passionate about excercise during and post treatments - it's like a new journey in learning about my body, what works, what i can do, what i can't do, what is really beneficial - i have more thoughts on this, i think i will turn them into further blog posts)

help magnet

2011-11-11T00:53:00.000-06:00

so a thing that happens now - and i asked the universe for it actually - is that when somone's friend, family member, neighbor, or self gets a cancer diagnosis, they tell me about it and/or ask me for some advice or support. Whenever i open that email and see the first sentence, my heart both sinks & soars.

The sinking: why?? why more people? why that person? sad, dread, sad. My mind jumps clearly & swiftly back to my beginning time of fear & confusion an my heart breaks. I usually cry

The soaring: maybe i can give back, support someone else, guide someone to the right path for help.

I want this to happen. even when it's kind of harsh. So bring it on. I'm one of the lucky ones.

4th Graders Rule

2011-10-23T10:25:00.000-05:00

I soooo wish i had taken a picture! i need to be more diligent with my camera

On Friday I spoke to my son's 4th Grade class about my experience with breast cancer as part of awareness month. The do an amazing job at that school with it - spearheaded by a male 4th grade teacher there. The kids were all wearing pink and/or had little pink ribbon stickers on their shirts, some funky chickens were wearing the stickers on their foreheads.

The focus, or how my kid's teacher was tying it all in was about the importance and advancements of modern medicine.

I totally offered to do this but then was so nervous. Not sure how much is appropriate, how much they know, worried about scaring them, or introducing heavy concepts....I'm so open with my own kids about the nitty gritty, but that's because they live it and live with me.

my son was a little worried about it - but when i got there and was up front, he looked very happy and proud, that's a huge part of why i do this stuff

I was relieved to hear that they had prepared questions....
So i pretty much let them open it up and wow, those are some intelligent thoughtful kids! They asked great questions. I noticed that the majority of question were about emotions and feelings "was it stressfull?" "were you scared?", "what were you most scared of?", "how did you feel when you first found out" - amazing

I think an important message i conveyed was that i was scared when i first found out, and that what i was scared of was the unknown - and the truly once i learned more, and had a plan, and trusted my fab doctors, much of the fear was gone. The teacher related that concept to the children by talking about new math concepts being scary until you understand them :)

I also explained a little about why chemo makes your hair fall out, that question was asked, i touched on the physical limitations during treatments, and we talked about how early detection is important and how with that and new medicines i am healthy now.

I was really glad they didn't ask if i was scared of getting cancer again, or if that was even a possibility...my son already knows the realities of cancer including that one, and i just couldn't bear to introduce that lack of truly knowing to the whole group - it's a fine line....

markers of time

2011-08-30T23:40:00.000-05:00

tonight i went to back to school night at my daughter's middle school. She's in 8th grade so it's the last year. I went with excitment, i know weird, and i had actualy fun. superweird.
but there's a significance behind that attitude. 3 years ago for 6th grade, i didn't attend, i thought of it as an inconvenient pain in the ass. Find child care to attend, mingle with parents i didn't know, blah blah blah blah.
For 7th grade last year, i was undergoing chemo, a good excuse to miss this time! but yeah, i remember feeling exhausted, and probably was losing hair, to much to deal with.
So this year i was so happy to go! happy to be different, happy to be in a different place, happy to be happy!
then later tonight, on facebook, you know how they have those new side bars that have your status update from a year ago? well mine this day a year ago was about how shaving my head was so hard
brought back a flood FLOOD of memories and emotions. and just brought home the difference a year makes

glamorous

2011-08-08T23:11:00.000-05:00

it's been a whirlwind of late - so many little moments, big revalations, lofty plans & tiny successes

I went on a crazy road trip to Utah, Park City, Deer Valley Resort to be precise. My friend needed someone to help work at an expo, repping triathalon gear. It's party of my new happiness to choose things out of my ordinary. It worked out with kid & work so off i went in a GMC pick up to parts unknown. It was incredible. My friend Joey & I got on so perfectly, we had totally compatible traveling style. The scenery to park city was breathtaking. Park City itself is my new fav place on the planet - even more so in summer. I have zero desire to ever ski so visiting places like this is usually unlikely, but i have always wanted to.
I had no idea it was a mountain biking haven in the summer. The expo was really all about bikes, retailers came to check out the brands, literally, they checked out bikes all day and rode them up and down mountains. Joey & I talked about our best wetsuits ever - Rocket Science Sports - google it - cool story.
I didn't ride a single bike, but i did ride a ski lift! one of my biggest fears. and i love it!
Joey's influence, and that of all the groovy athletic people at the scene have inspired me. I'm "not ruling out" Iron Man in my 5 year plan. Do you think i'm nuts?
I don't swim or ride. hahaha - working on changing that now. little by little

I took a zumba class, that was fun as hell, but at some point that song "I will Survive" came on, and i had a hard time not crying, i know it's not about surviving cancer, but the words in general have a powerful passion. I never know when it's gonna strike me. Like the other day when i went to my doctor for a yearly check up. That set me off in a few ways, one the last time i saw that dr was when my mammogram was ordered, s last time i was there, was the last time my life was normal. Also it's all up in the same place as my surgeries, so odd how it makes me feel just being around there.

my hair is growing so slowly i lovehate it. but the other day at the pool a lady told me i looked glamorous and asked me where i get my hair cut. That made my damn day. So nice to hear when i feel about as sexy as a flower pot with this hair.

ok this is a rambler, just been so long since i posted i felt i needed to chat about stuff

i blame tamoxifen

2011-07-11T22:24:00.000-05:00

yay, just spent the evening googling tamoxifen + various words - not really a thrilling way to spend an evening.
I've decided today that i blame tamoxifen for running being hard, for my hips feeling like an old lady's, for my legs like logs, for my inability to lose weight, for being too tired to clean my house, for forgetting stuff
4 years 3.5 months left of taking it

my friend said that i still could be having chemo and anesthesia affects in my body.
i also could be 43

i will keep on truckin
and i'm glad i have it in my arsenal

oh, i just had a hot flash while typing just in case i forgot i was on tamoxifen

Dear Boobs

2011-07-09T00:18:00.000-05:00

today is the year anniversary of my mastectomy - i feel mostly fine but when i type that my eyes well up. i'm not sad sad, i'm emotional, and i can't beleive there was a day like that one year ago.
I remember goofing around pre surgery in my gown with my friend Kati. Then when the IV was put in and they started the drugs, i broke down, i finally thought the thought, this is the last day of this life i knew, the boobs i was born with, the boobs that fed my babies, the ones i recognized. I had zero, ZERO idea of what my life would be like a few hours from then.

it was fucking hard the next few weeks recovering, but i also look back at it as one of my favorite times of my life. fuzzy & cozy & so full of love from my peeps. i felt erased somehow, that's not really right, i still felt my old life but i felt a definite division, the past didn't matter and i was a new person, anew. it was oddly freeing. it started a phase that continues where i give less of a shit about the little things. and i know what i can go through, and deal with.

now i'm suprisingly well, i like my new boobs well enough, they certainly look great in clothes, scars ect are on their way to being faded and part of my norm. I still often avoid looking at myself fully, it's like looking past that person in the store you sorta know but dont' want to catch their eye.

I don't often miss the old me, i decided a long time ago, when i got divorced, that there was no point hanging on to stuff you couldn't change. non attachment. vairagya in Sanskrit, I also draw on the notion of Santosha - contentment, my fav sanskrit word and a guiding principal of yoga philosophy.

Clearly it saved my life to lose them.

I'm having a great year

Little Success - 3 mile run!

2011-07-03T11:26:00.000-05:00

this morning i ran 3 miles at the hike & bike trail without any walk breaks for the first time since before cancer - 5 days before the year mark since my mastectomy. I really almost cried, both from the relief of the agony AND from the milestone significance. It felt almost as big as crossing my first half marathon finish line over 3 years ago. I'm planning on running a half marathon in October - The See Jane Run half (look it up, sign up, JOIN ME!) but this time i'm not signing up for an official training group. I'm gonna follow a 10 week training from Runner's World Magazine and get tips from my former running coach Joey, which is really just an exuse to meet for smoothies & talk about running.

I ran slow, probably 12 minute miles, it was hard, my legs hurt, but i know that if i could just do it one time, the first time, that then my body would know i could do it, and then the rest of the times would be cake. I started from scratch the last time too, although i was younger and i hadn't been thru the cancer wringer.
thoughts that got me thru it:
- writing this post & tweeting it
- the feeling of the finish line
- being a cancer bad ass role model
- the tee shirt i want to design & wear at the race (see end of post)
- losing 15 lbs & wearing a running dress that i'm obsessed with
- listening to music from the 90s & remembering how much fun i had being young & energetic & wanting that feeling
- making my mom proud, & my kids
- and finally the good old "just do it" philosophy

oh, about the tee shirt, i'd really like to get a custom tech tee in pink that says "fuck cancer" but i don't want to offend people, maybe "F U Cancer"? any other thoughts? I want max impact in your face simple.

also, i want to thank my twitter friends who happen to catch & congratulated my braggy tweet this morning - i want you ALL to know that it all means a lot to me and makes me feel so good. If you ever wonder wether to tweet back to someone a hug or a congrats or a kind word even if you don't know that person - DO IT - it matters, i discovered that big time on this journey

thanks:
@jasoncrouch
@amberdemure
@trophyboutique
@k_mccasland
@CindyRoyal
@1queenofspoons
@awstn_jglo
@urbanbetty
@jacquelinesLife
@HaleyOdom
@TylerJordin
@not_mommy

ok, let's hope i didn't peak today :)

New Ink

2011-06-30T08:22:00.000-05:00

but not a piece of art unfortunately

yesterday i had the nipple tattooing - OUCH

it's cool that it's really the "last step" in the reconstruction process besides any touch ups in a few weeks. But i've noticed that i am wimpier with pain now, rather than being used to it, it's the opposite, i feel much more fragile about it.
ALSO - i realized that i now that i feel pretty normal and strong and myself i didn't even consider asking anyone to go with me yesterday, just didn't think it necessary, but going to bed the night before i suddenly wished i had. I need to remember that i can always always use the support of my loves

I owe a very belated birthday post from a month ago!!

Milk + Honey Mommy Makeover

2011-05-30T19:00:00.000-05:00

The Lovely Austin spa Milk + Honey had a mother's day makeover contest for mother's day. My own sweet mother KNOWS how much i love spa stuff and especially Milk + Honey - so she entered me, told my story of the past year and why i deserved to win - and i did!! They had 2 winners, one for the downtown location (this is the one i usually go to for massages with Paul), and one for the Hill Country Galleria - which i won.
I'm kind of glad i won that location - i imagined it would feel more like a getaway escape day!

It really was.

here was my day:

Facial with Shayna - dreamy, relaxing, i loved it

Manicure with Adrienne - she encouraged me to pick a hot hot electric pink. super fun and it lasted ages.

Then Hair Color AND cut AND makeup application with teh fab Jessica M - she was so awesome how she explained ways to style my hair now that it's so short AND wavy, different then before chemo. She also explained how some of the hair styles i had pictures of were different in terms of growth & length and how i can goal towards them. I'm sort of protective of my hair length, i like it short, but i want it a bit longer, so even tho i needed a trim i didn't want to cut it too much.
I also got a goody bag with some shampoo, condish, and makeup

I loved it all, and i loved just being away from my usual daily schtuff and being pampered.

"before" puffy unruly hair & chipped nails!

"After" - my daughter called my nails "jersey shore" humph

Thank you Milk + Honey people (chance & summer & all of you) for picking me!! I will forever go there.

A Year Ago

2011-05-17T21:58:00.000-05:00

today is one year anniversary of the day i got my breast cancer diagnosis. I guess i have been aware of the upcoming date, i guess i also knew i would write a post. but my mind was blank as to how i felt, or imagined i would feel.
I'm happy i'm well, i'm happy i'm here a year later, i'm happy my life is pretty intact, my kids, my work, my people. I'm happy i'm making summer plans, Disney World - even 2012 plans (Broadway Accross America tix!)
Sometimes i only allow myself to think superficially about everything.

I distinctly remember the friday before - i said to my boyfriend "i don't want my life to change on Monday" and then it did
I remember "before" getting accupuncture, talking to peopel.
of course i remember the fucking phone call
I sorta remember calling my mom
I remember telling my kids with the help of my Elizabeth
hmmm actually i remember a lot.
but looking back the part that's so different from now is that looking forward with clarity.
the unknown of a year ago today was the worst part. i couldn't make a single plan, except surgury dates & dr appointment, i couldn't envision what i would look like or feel like at any future point

i guess i feel sad today and also happy
i feel so thankful for all the people that took care of me.
and all the people that gave me gifts or came over with food or cleaning. You know, sometimes i don't even remember all the people, and it will suddenly hit me that so and so came over or called or sent something.
i swear i'm gonna buy a stack of thank you cards soon and write down a list of everyone

i feel sorry for myself for having had that year
i feel proud of myself for getting through it
I feel sad that my life, and my kid's life has changed so much
i feel happy that i've had the opportunity to grow through something like this and have my life enhanced by the experiences and the people.
i feel very tired
i feel lucky
i feel amazed
i feel strong
i feel hopeful
i could write all night about how i feel
i guess i don't really have a nice wrap up - i will always remember this anniversary with some melancholy & some hell yeah i kick ass as well.

Unicorn Tears

2011-05-08T21:13:00.001-05:00

My son is so sweet it's crazy - for mother's day he drew me this picture - it's of a unicorn - i love unicorns, and the unicorn has a tear dripping on me because unicorn tears have magical healing powers. It's almost too much to take. But then he gave me a book of poetry he wrote and that really sent me over the edge i'm going to copy the most amazing one here.

Inside My Mom
Inside my mom is the power of a butterfly.
She can fly and spread love.
Her big wings protect me.
She sucks up paparazzi with her beauty

Inside my mom are unicorns healing her when she is hurt
Inside my mom is time for fun.
Inside my mom are pans full of Indian food
Inside and outside my mom is beauty
My mom is good, great, and best,
She is fun, playful, and crazy.
Inside my mom is my mom.

Magic Flute magic night

2011-05-06T21:08:00.000-05:00

That title is kind of cheesy and a little much, it's never entirely magical when you are out somewhere late with two kids...
anyway, last night the kids and I got to go see Ballet Austin's Magic Flute on what is known as community night. The night before the real deal starts, they perform a rehearsal, and give tickets to various non profits for their clients to enjoy a night at the ballet! It's a casual event, open seating, and a cozy atmosphere knowing that it's such a night, of giving to the community

We got ours courtesy of the amazing Wonders & Worries.
I was so happy to get them - i had wanted to buy tickets. I love ballet but more than that i was acutually obsessed with the Magic Flute opera as a kid. I know weird, i was really into Mozart, read a bunch of biographies with my Dad, and then the Magic Flute in movie form came to a theater in NYC and my Dad took me, i loved it so much my Mom took me another time. I was completely smitten.

This of course was different, no words, but nonetheless when the first musical strains soared from the orchestra pit, i could not hold back a few tears. the familiarity, the memory of innocent times, contrasting with where i am today. sitting with my kids. only there at that point as a result of what has happened.

It was a beautiful performance, the kids loved it. we were happy, so i guess that is sorta magical

final phases & cancer gifts

2011-04-28T10:00:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting here counting down my last 15 minutes of drinking water/clear liquids before i must stop at 10 am in preparation for surgery, i'm drinking a kombucha, i hope that counts :)

i have hesitated naming this surgery on here because it sounds embarassing and too graphic, like now y'all are gonna be picturing my boobs. but i guess if i don't talk about it, who will, it's a reality of breast cancer & mastectomy & one i certainly never contemplated till it became a decision i had to make. Sooo....today i go to my plastic surgeon to get nipples, actually get them made. part of feeling more normal. hopefully part of being able to get back to my formerly un modest ways in gym changing rooms or whatever other situations may arise
Tattooing for a more real look comes in a few weeks.
Not all women choose to have this, many just get tattoos which i've heard look awesome as is.

should be easy, recovery should be a breeze. but of course anticipating the procedure makes me have lots of emotions. on one side, i'm so used to this and after everything last year, this is easy peasy..
on the other, i'm still "over" needles & pain. I hate the IV, for some reason that part makes me feel fragile & scared & emotinal. it's hard for them to get the IV in on me, always takes more than one try.
Even though i have been told recovery is nothing, i'm still anxious for it. I have been running and yoga-ing and working my booty off at real estate, feeling good & vibrant and energetic. I don't want that derailed. i want to be myself and get on with stuff TOMORROW.

when i think about going thru this today, and really any random time in my life, i sometimes get sad, and feel sorry for me and can't believe this has happened to me. but at the same time, i truly cannot imagine my life continuing on it's path as it was before. I feel heightened to life & joy & potential....and it's because of my experience. of overcoming hard shit, of meeting amazing people, of feeling such love and support, of appreciating the value of the tiny.....so many gifts from cancer.

i know that sounds weird

Graphic V goosebumps

2011-04-24T21:50:00.000-05:00

last night i went to my first Graphic - the art bra fashion show that benefits the amazing Breast Cancer Resource Center.
I remember last years, it must have been later because i remember i had just been diagnosed, and had the lumpectomy and just was not in tune or in shape to go to such a moving and fabulous shindig.
I wish i had pictures.
on one level it was fun to dress up, hang with my best friend Elizabeth, have a Pink Drink (from opal devines), look at all the silet auction stuff, mingle and people watch.
on a deeper level it was so meaningful to be around so many incredible survivors. There were ladies i had heard about or read about.
There were gorgeous young women with shaved heads. brave beauties
Women of all ages. Stages. There were all the supporters.
I felt like a groupie & like a lucky club member on the inside.
Then the emotional video, seeing the faces of cancer is always so touching and hard
It's overwhelming, so many people affected.
Then the live auction - exciting to see people bid and watch the $$ get higher & higher!
the models were fab & sexy & fun
My dinner was basically fritos & donuts - the only vegan things there! Yes, donuts. The Red Rabbit Cooperative Bakery provided the dessert - i have heard vegan rumors about their amazing donuts around town and they did not dissapoint. The mexican chocolate....omg.
I really felt proud to be there.
And i realize that the love & support out there is bigger than the cancer

live now

2011-04-21T22:50:00.001-05:00

one thing i noticed last week during the worry & doubt days - was that i put life stuff on hold. I had decided to call my tattoo guy and schedule something, but i conciously didn't last week. I am planning to join the Y, but whenever i had a time slot and thought about going there. I didn't. I need a hair trim, but wasn't about to plan that if i was gonna lose it again. I didn't fill my surgery prescriptions. I put off lunch plans. I evaded my friends prompting to talk about our disney trip this ummer.
If i did talk about future stuff i felt aware that inside i wasn't meaning it, i was just talking to keep up appearances.
One of my new years goals this year was to Live Now - this includes even stuff like wearing a new item of clothing or new lip gloss right away, as i have always had a tendency to save stuff i love for some nebulous ideal day or situation. Or for when i deserved it - whatever that means.
feeling that on hold feeling last week was familiar and yucky and i won't do it!
so now if i don't join the Y or call Chris Gunn, it's cos i'm just lazy :)

***addendum***
a dear friend pointed out that as lovely as living in the moment is - it is also a great comfort to have a list of things to do tomorrow or the next day, because you know you have time and will be there to do them. . So the counters to putting life on hold are both living for the moment AND making plans..

bumps...in the road

2011-04-20T08:00:00.000-05:00

yeah so last weeks feelings got a chance to max out....

those feelings of realizing my life is now like "this" and not how it was, merely because i have had cancer. it's frustrating.

so, i was at a pre-op appointment at my plastic surgeon (i'm getting the final "real girl" addition to the reconstruction process) and i was complaining about pain and tighntes on my chest, pec muscles sort of, above the left breast. I figured it was a result of surgery recovery, that was the jacked up side. The side that had cancer, 2 surgeries, lymphnodes ect...
So Dr H feels around and says, something like "yeah you oughta get that checkd out"
I'm like, oncologist checked out checked out? yep. fuck.
i mad an appointment for tuesday, today. so i basically spent almost a week worrying. Dr K was not worried. No scans ordered, proceed as normal life.
but jeeze, this is it, this is how it is now. I will be nervous and SHOULD be nervous about anything out of the ordinary.
Of course i'm glad it was nothing. i'm more than glad. i'm thrilled, releived, grateful ect.. But im ANGRY that this is how my life is, with an element of fear & doubt at all times.

back to being crazysexygirl and conentrating on the happy

oh yeah, i wore glitter eyeliner to the doc

ok, moving on, my surgery is April 28th - should be a piece o cake. after that, the final step of tattoos.

real stuff

2011-04-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

i had my first oncologist appointment since chemo, my first 4 month follow up. I was excited to see my onc again, happy for him to see how happy and good i have been doing.
My follow ups do not involve scans, that's a thrill. Just blood work & dr visit.

when i got there though i started to feel fragile. emotional. we went over the blood work and it all looked good, nothing was in an alarming range of low or high. but any # that was in red, or that had changed, i felt nervous about and questioned.

so the rest of the day, instead of feeling happy i felt deflated. Like i think after surgury & chemo and excellent prognosis, along with feeling so damn good, i felt invincible and recurrence wasn't a concern. But being at an appointment, that i know i have to go to probably for the rest of my life, to check on this, made me feel less than invincible, more vulnerable and raw. and scared.

it was like i had a little bit of the feeling of life before cancer where you know that this stuff doesn't happen to you. getting cancer again doesn't happen to me. but the appointments introduce the option of doubt

of course i know i'm luckier than many - but i still wish this wasn't me

Cancer in the City

2011-03-27T00:10:00.000-05:00

I just flipped through the tv channels & caught the scene in Sex & the City where Samantha flings off her wig while speaking at a gala, and all these women stood up & took their wigs off.
It made me cry
I forgot Samantha had breast cancer, i should try and find & watch all the episodes, and see how it was portrayed. I wonder about tv glamorizing.

Today i gave my camisoles, the ones with pockets to hold the post surgery drains, to a friend, i knew it would happen, that a friend would need them one day.
It's sad but i like the passing on of love & support.

crazy sexy stuff

2011-03-22T09:11:00.000-05:00

i've definitely become a Kris Carr groupie - her energy & dedication are inspiring for anyone, not just cancer survivors. Plus she calls people "unicorns" like i do - weirdo.

i knew that i had been leaning towards cleaning up my food, to a more cancer preventive wowie energy sparkle health mode. But it's not easy, i love sugar & coffee. Being vegan i'm not far off, but i love sugar & coffee.
anyway, reading Kris's new book Crazy Sexy Diet was the push i needed. I just love the way she puts everything. I've heard some survivors say stuff like - cancer isn't sexy - and stuff like that, but Kris's definition of Crazy Sexy is this:

Crazy = bold, out of the box, forward thinking, and status quo chalenging
Sexy = confident, in touch, whole, passionate, and concious

Exactly how i wanna be, exactly how i have always kind of seen myself.

Today is the last day of the 21 day crazy sexy cleanse, i feel amazing. i think the biggest change or noticable effect is my mood. happy. positive. self loving. light. it's really kind of phenomenal. it makes me emotional to see myself.
Another really groovy result is my sweet tooth, it's satisfied by things like cashew butter & banana on a rice cake, or the raw brownies at wholefoods that don't even have agave.
Not sure to what level i will maintian post cleanse, for sure i will avoid sugar, that's a given for a disease prevention plan.
I don't want to fall into coffee addiction, but i do miss it terribly, i don't need it in the morning anymore, we'll see.
Gluten i will try and see if there is a difference after not having it for 3 weeks. It's pretty easy to avoid it or restrict it.
Raw salads & more veg, of course and i've been making my own dressings, delish. I'm discovering simple is sometimes best.
Juicing - i'm hooked. I am kind of looking forward to not HAVING to do it every morning. It's hard to keep all the veggies in stock. but i will juice ALOT. and i just got the coveted Vita Mix blender so GREEN smoothies are also going to be a mainstay.

I've also been going to yoga almost daily - mostly gentle hatha classes that are really opening up my chest, calming my head, strengthening my muscles, and happifying my soul.

all the Crazy Sexy lifestsyle info and grooviness is at http://www.crazysexylife.com/ - check it out and thank yourself for loving yourself

me & my unicorn

sxsw in my new era

2011-03-21T08:26:00.000-05:00

hmmmmm things do change
At some point early on i thought - yeah, by South by i'm gonna be all better and rareing to go

Then when i was in chemo - it was all about - how long will my hair be by then. Could not imagine having super short hair during a time when i always make an extra effort to look cool & rockin.

Then as i neared my reconstruction surgury, and still felt tired a lot - i became overwhelmed by the thought of my SXSW Crew Chief volunteer job. It's a pretty easy in comparison job, and i've had it for many many years, but it involves planning and time. So i decided to step down and pass it on to one of my best volunteers over the years.

So as the week arrived I figured i would just go with the flow an do exactly whatever the heck i wanted. Turns out i didn't want much. I went downtown on the days i didn't have kids, walked a lot, saw the bangles, met susannah hoffs (eeeeeeek), didn't give a shit about what i was missing. Saw two movies. One interactive panel on Veganism on the web.
Got tired too early. went home early. danced to black joe lewis. saw my best friend more than on a regular week. didn't drink coffee or alcohol.

I did miss a lot of bands i wish i could have seen, and i did feel awkward in my skin sometimes, not totally used to being who i am. - but i guess the difference is that i didn't dwell on the missing of events, or my old self.

secret society of short hair

2011-03-15T14:38:00.000-05:00

so i've noticed as i go about my day that when i encounter other girls with super short hair, a knowing acknowledgment passes subtly in our eyes - not cancer related as that is an unknown - but a yeah, we kick ass enough to dare to wear this hair.

My brother & I sxsw-ing it

Valentines for Me

2011-02-28T19:09:00.000-06:00

This post is a little after the fact - but after thinking so much about joy lately and what that means to live in joy and self love - i felt like sharing how i celebrated valentines day this year.
I've always love V day - it's my fave colors, i love hearts & heart shaped things - have since i was a kid. And i already decided a long time ago that relying on traditional romantic expetations are not a way experience a day like this. I make heart waffles for my kids every year, we decorate heart cookies, one year i made mix CDs for my best friends, i make the day romantic all round for whoever is in my life

this year i was my own valentine, and i was really romantic to myself :) - I ate a Dove dark chocolate heart a few days before, that said in the little message in the wrapper "be your own valentine"

First i went to yoga

then i went to Sugar Mama's Bakery and bought myself these:

Vegan Valentine Cupcakes

Then i took myself to lunch at Mr. Natural and had more desert of these:

And then i went to Book People and bought myself this:

Crazy Sexy Diet is the ultimate love gift, for yourself, or for another

Then i went to Anthropolige & used a $50 gift card i won and found something cute on sale for exactly that amount

Joy #2

2011-02-24T22:18:00.001-06:00

Last weekends TEDx Austin talks were only topped by the Livestrong Austin Marathon on Sunday the 20th. I am very lucky in that i am seasonally part of the organizing team - i book all the bands that play on the route and some of the finish line entertainment. It's fun. but this year was tough, it was hard for me to get in the organizy mode when i was in the middle of surgery recovery & chemo. Periodically along the the timeline of working on this i would forget a meeting, feel too sick for a meeting, fall asleep at night before sending the emails i meant to send. fast forward, i pulled it together, got it all scheduled, planned, booked. But i couldn't have done that without the super sweet generous understanding of John Conely, the race director and all the marathon staff. Working with John and the team is one of the most glorious yummy fun rewarding warm experiences in my life. Shame it's only a few months out of the year!

On race day, i have a wonderful volunteer Dale who is my driver, he picks me up at 6:30am and we drive around, trying to get as near to band locations as possible to check on them & troubleshoot any issues. We also go to the finish line so i can touch base with the finish line band & the mariachis. So i really get to see & feel the vibe out there. I see the bands rock, i see the early first runners, i see the 5 hour plus marathoners, i see the amazing austin community that goes out to cheer. There's a lot of love in the air!

I was really moved by the race this year, maybe it's the Livestrong sponsorship, maybe it's the survivors i saw running, maybe it was the good feeling of satisfaction of my job well done. But i felt such joy out there. my bands were awesome. The runners were so happy. I got really great feedback from the bands afterwards, some of them say it's the most rewarding gig ever, a gig with meaning and inspiration. Even though they have to get out there & set up and play at the very un rock n roll hour of before 7am!

Tonight i went to the Thank You celebration, it was at a bar, i don't drink really anymore so i felt awkward to go, and i haven't really started going out at night yet either, but i wanted to see everyone. Cover Girl an 80's cover band was playing, and i danced - JOY

Joy

2011-02-22T23:09:00.000-06:00

Last Saturday i was lucky enough to attend the TEDx Austin talks - read about it HERE - wayyyy to complicated to explain :)

so many incredibly smart speakers, i learned stuff, i felt motivated by some, i had fun seeing friends, i enjoyed the vegan lunch provided by whole foods.

By the way, thanks to the power of social media & twitter the vegetarian planned lunch was changed to vegan after I and a couple of others asked about it on twitter! Yaaayya.

Anyway - really two people impacted me the most and i would have felt satisfied at that....

Robyn O'Brian - talked about "The Unhealthy Truth: How Our Food Is Making Us Sick and What We Can Do About It." - I know this stuff, but listening to the time line of when our govt started introducing hormones and shit into our food, and thinking about what it means, i really do wonder if this is the root of my getting cancer. When i first became vegetarian, which is right around when the hormone adding started - i didn't know as much about food as i do now, i didn't cook, i thought tofu & soy milk were the it food, the protein replacement. Plus i still ate a ton of dairy. Maybe more as it also became my primary protein. Dairy & Soy - the MOST hormone modified foods. I'm not gonna dwell, or regret, or bemoan. But it is shocking. And I will continue with more determination my path of mindful eating & smart healthy choices (check out my other blog about cooking from the local organic produce delivery Vegan Greenling)

The other speaker that i adored was Gilbert Tuhabonye - if you live in austin, and especially if you are a runner you probably know of him. Founder of the running training group The Gazelles. Google him & his story of survival & running to live - it's AMAZING, he's really inspiring, and i knew his story before this. but it was the first few minutes of his talk that just blew me away, it was all i needed. His motto is "run with joy" - and when he came out he led with that vibe and the joy radiated from him. I believe him. And i feel that. And i want that. I want to appreicate that always.

sometimes it really is the tragedies that make that immense joy so possible, i'm grateful for that.

sad

2011-02-15T22:19:00.000-06:00

i really & truly was going to write a post tonight about happiness & some good things - those things and that feeling are still there, so i will write that post in a few days - but in the space of one hour this night, cancer has made me really sad.
On twitter, i found out that a guy i know, is in ICU fighting for his life, this is sudden, i knew nothing of anything. He was fine a month ago. I don't really know him in real life as they say, but real enough. we have twitter banter, we've done business together, and he said some truly kind things to me during my struggles.

On Facebook i got the news that i just don't want to process. A stage IV bc friend is not responding to a new medicine, she will have to go to chemo again, and have new scans, and find out stuff. I love this lady, we knew each other when our eldests were in preschool, maybe 7 years have gone by and we reunited in the chemo room. So odd but one of those blessing moments. Her facebook note among other things said this “Cancer is sad. Really, really sad.” - and it is, it's really fucking sad - that's all

...and i hate saying this, because i know it's futile & not in my control, but i feel guilty for being so lucky to not be in these more dire situatioons.

Nippon: a thankful post

2011-01-29T18:26:00.000-06:00

I just found this post as a draft - a bit late but the memory of this is still warm

just a shout out and an addition to the billion item long list of amazing kindnesses

my lil toyota has needed new breaks - for ages, i have been driving metal on metal an unable to deal with it mentaly really. but a push and a gift from one friend led me to take my care to Nippon motor works. I was told the guy works on Toyotas & Nissans for the love. i believe this to be true.

I was kind of embarassed my car was so bad, so i just mumbled that i had been busy. Clearly he could see i was wearing the unmistakable head scarf.
I got a call just a few hours later from him (who's name i forgot of course) happily telling me he had just driven my delightfully quiet car. I was like what??!! so fast. He said - it seemed like i had been probably going through a lot lately and he thought it would be nice for me to have my all better car as soon as possible. Then he said he was going to leave, but i could pick up my car and drop the check in his door box - trust & kindness go so far.

I am touched, grateful and forever a customer.

3 good words

2011-01-17T22:09:00.000-06:00

Love
Hope
Strength

These words are the name of a really wonderful cancer charity - you can read my blog post about it HERE to learn more about it. The other day in the course of my job & mutual friends i had the oportunity to meet the co founder James Chippendale - we chatted a little about treatments and recovery and it just really got me thinking of how intensly cancer affects people, and how amazing some people are with what they do. James is just so full of energy and passion and does such good stuff. I felt honored to meet him. He'd heard about me through my ex husband who did the Machu Pichu climb with the charity.
I just think those three words really capture the epitome of what you must find when you are fighting a great struggle. As well as what you must GIVE to those in the struggle. Love - Hope - Strength

goodbye 2010

2010-12-31T21:30:00.000-06:00

i kind of hate blaming a year, or thinking that things will be different because of a calendar. each day is a day to make it ours. nonetheless the new year is the ultmate time marker. and symbol of new hopes.
Tomorrow i write out my year goals, with my dear friend, in our matching wizard of oz journals, eating black eyed peas & greens, just like we did last year. I feel a bit more tentative and anxious. Last year i had strong motivatins, clear goals, wishes, plans. And the first part of the year seemed to be going as planned. And then i got breast cancer. not in the plan. it feels a bit scarier now. part of me has that - fuck last year, THIS year will rule, i'm gonna kick ass and then some to make up for it - feeling. another part of me has that - what's the point of planning when you have no control over what the eff happens in life - feeling. scary. everything is harder than it used to be. motivation & hope are a littl bit harder to find.

I am waiting till the moment to see what comes out onto my paper - Guess which one will probably win :)

update: i had my replacement surgery Dec 14th, it's been a bit rough. about 5 days after i started a fever and one side had several red patches. Got new strong antibiotics. Seemed to feel better after a couple of days, finshed the antibiotics. Then again a couple a days later one area got really red again and painful. So now i'm on antibiotics again. I am feeling a bit better just discouraged and reall really tired of not feeling great.
In other news, my hair is growing pretty nicely - i am so over scarves i'm not wearing them anymore, but it's too short for me to just wear out so i'm wearing a cute hat these days. Oh an my eyebrows are back already.

...she never stumbles

2010-12-25T16:59:00.000-06:00

i feel like on this day i should post about how grateful i am for how far i've come and all the blessings i have, and i really do feel that, truly i do. but i feel stuck in a bit of a self pity rut of how hard everything is. I don't enjoy it, it's not my style really. but here i sit, thinking how lucky everyone else is and feeling lacking in things, coping skills, easy buttons, glitter...

welp, i will do something that always reminds me of who i am, and how i reallyfeel, listen to Dylan. It's like he gets me to just be in the exact moment of the moment - that's all we have. It's like getting to the roots of me. it is, a Dylan album was the first album i ever heard in my life.

so i give you all this song to hear - i just listened to it about 8 times in a row and remembered who i am & i feel a little more adjusted :) "she's got everything she needs she's an artist she don't look back..."

PS i promise in a day or two i will give a physical update xxxxxooo - n

since we are on the subject of boobs

2010-12-06T08:57:00.000-06:00

I can honestly say that for the majority of my life i have not given much thought to boob size & it's impact or effect on things, except in maybe a humorous manner. Or a Dolly Parton reference. I certainly never desired a boob increse to improve my life in anyway, my winning personality and happy smile are enough right?
hmmmmm, where the hell have i been???

Example 1:
when i first started getting my boob expanders filled, i asked my darling plastic surgeon how many times he thought i should come in for expansions....his answer "How many houses to you want to sell?" - Good Point! I may end up writing a blog post one day titled "How Breast Cancer Improved my Career" I LOVE my plastic surgeon by the way.

Example 2:
One day after an expansion appointment, i asked my 12 year old daughter what she thought of the size, and should i get more...her answer "they look great of course you should get more - you will just have to walk out the door and you will get a boyfriend!" - well then, clearly i could have made my life easier YEARS ago - methinks i may have to work on that strategy with her a little....

been a while....need more glitter

2010-12-03T15:55:00.000-06:00

wow, so it's been a month ish that i've written here. I guess it's been a pretty rough month and i didn't feel like whine writing. sometimes it helps but sometimes it gets on my own nerves to hear me.

it's been a rough month for a number of reasons. i think a lot has to do emotionaly with a coming down of sorts from the drama of surgury & chemo. now it's past, life is getting back to normal, except it's not.

I started Tamoxifen - that could have a lot to do with it. it can cause emotional shit & depression. I thought i was weepy before?? it sucks

I've finished getting the expanders expanded, but the last three were super painful & uncomfortable, shockingly so. No as I await surgery the pain is gone but they are still ridic uncomfortable. I don't know how to dress even sometimes.

Finances have been a strain - in real estate you have to be always working a few months ahead to keep it steady, screeching to a halt this summer is still affecting me. Working my ass off now. Loving it but disheartening for earnings not to be reliable like a job job

I want my head hear to be more normal, it is growing back tho, but i can see how slow it's gonna be, i'm ready for the Ellen do.
And this today, i noticed that my eybrows are now falling out. 6 weeks since my last chemo!!!??? seems unfair. I'm patching together normalness, this feels like a set back.

ok purged. done. I am not great at wallowing. don't worry, i have cried a ton. I just know that if i get too caught up in the sad i won't move forward somewhere. I have to work, i have to be a good mom, i have to make money and i like those things, so i don't want to mess them up.
I will go to Sephora this weekend and ask a girl or guy there to help, and i will purchase some excellent brow product no matter how much it costs. Maybe i need a new glitter eyeliner to remind me?

PS - my replacemnt surgery is December 14th - for you lay people - that's new boob surgery. yahooooooo

The Glitter Dropz - my 2010 Komen team

2010-11-13T10:08:00.000-06:00

Last year i signed up for the Komen Race for the cure because breast cancer had just affected my family for the first time. My kids step mom, yes my ex husband's wife, was diagnosed in october 2009, she's way too young. So it was important to me, and important for the kids.
lalala, months go buy, my story starts....when i thought about the 2010 race, it seemed so far away, i didn't know at all what shape or stage i'd be in. Then i had innocent ideas that i'd actually be well enough to run! eventually i figured out it fell at quite a good time, about 3 weeks after my last chemo and well after the big surgery. Regardless i signed up and made a team - my daughter came up withe the name the Glitter Dropz , people signed up.
A sweet lady Shelley who i hardly know, volunteered to donate team shirts and design & print our team name! Aren't they awesome! Shelley is the mom of a schoolmate of my kids, & my neighbor/team member Kristen helped facilitate this, i'm so grateful!

Beth, the kids & I decided to get a room at the Westin at the Domain for kicks, and to save the time and stress of driving & parking in the morning. That was a blast! we roamed around the Domain & had dinner at Kona Grill.

The gang met us in the lobby in the morning and we headed en masse to the race area, lots of booths to look at, and freebies to grab. It was kind of overwhelming. It was kind of sobering to see so many survivors.

We wrote who we were walking in honor of to pin to our backs.

My godson's was rad

My son's broke my heart

I loved the cheering, i got some random hugs, i felt my sisters with me

My mom & grandma joined us at the end!

Four Generations!

I was amazed at how hard 3 miles was - not thrilled with new found wimpiness

Tito's vodka party at Daily Grill after

got to meet a friend i have known on Twitter for ages - Brady! and his cute fam.

my daughter & brady's daughter!

my son & my god son - not afraid to wear pink

yeah, 5k, pooped

part of me wants to delve into the emotional part of this day, part of me just wants this to be a little recap photo admiring post. it was emotional at times, little snippets, made eyes tear up. sometimes it was stressfull with the crowds and the team wrangling, like being a hostess. It was a lot of FUN. but really, being in the huge group of supporters & survivors put things in perspective. It was good to get away from the it's all about me and my fight syndrome. I was just a survivor like all the others. And i'm not saying that to minimize anything or trivialize. It's just true. So a huge giant hand High Fiving everyone. We are all amazing. I'm proud of all of us

it'll never be the same again

2010-11-04T21:43:00.000-05:00

"it'll never be the same again" - when this line of thought came into my head this morning it had a dramatic & emotional meaning and impact on me, which i will elaborate on in a min. I fear for the people who see me on my walks when this shit happens. walking crying scarf headed lady

but first - as i thought more on it in my attempts to calm myself and see clearly, i realized that that statement is true throughout life...
you graduate from highschool - it'll never be the same
you graduate college - it'll never be the same
you have a baby - it'll NEVER be the same
you get married - it'll never be the same
you get divorce - it'll never be the same
you get your heart broken - it'll never be the same
you kid's grow up - it'll never be the same
your parents health change - it'll never be the same
a loved one dies -it'll never be the same
you get it....we adjust to the new normal (greatest concept ever) - it's harder with some than others obv.

of course today, in my head, it's about cancer.
on my walk, on my ipod i was listening to the song The Blinding Crash by Li'l Cap'n Travis.
the song is about innocent simple days of love, they have such a way with lyrics to envoke that feeling
and i know it'll never be the same anyway, love n stuff changes as you grow older, it's not
but right now, with my body & my life & my brain so significanly altered, the concept of simplicity couldn't be further from my grasp - it feels like mourning....

...excerpt from Blinding Crash by Li'l Cap'n Travis

"wanna hold you forever baby

wanna feel you forever baby

sipping straws together baby

blinding crash lasts forever baby

blinding crash lasts forever baby

its codler & colder without you baby

don't cry it ain't nothing but a thing

keep my picture in your jeans

keep your jeans at the foot of the bed

keep good thoughts in your head

keep holding on for the end

when we rock n roll it over again"

awwwwww pink out!

2010-10-26T08:18:00.000-05:00

My son is in 3rd grade. He goes to a really great school. Well for Breast Cancer awareness month one of the 3rd grade classes initiated a Pink Out day. October 22 they encouraged the entire school to wear pink in support. Cute kid made posters were all over the school.
I found out that as a result, Gabe decided to tell his class that his mom had breast cancer. So brave he is. it was a big deal to him. One friend asked him if he was sad and his answer was yes.
I emailed the parents to let them know that i was ok, and to give them a heads up for any conversations that may arise from the new info.
Anyway - on Pink Out day, Gabe was determined to wear a pink tee shirt, as he tried all mine on, and decided on my Hanes hope tee designed by melina kankaredes that i won online, he did question - do i look too girly? but in the end he said - I don't care what people think. I said real men wear pink.

I went to visit the school that day - the sight of all the little bodies clad in pink walking down the hall made me emotional. Gabe's best friend Peyton, was very proud to point out every PINK decoration, poster, balloon, so so cute.

the final chemo!

2010-10-23T08:26:00.000-05:00

I had my last chemo session on October 12th, that date!! It seemed so far away this SUMMER when i got the chemo schedge. Then it came so fast. Weird how life still happens in the midst of impossible-ness.

I have to say this first, I feel VERY VERY lucky that my protocol, my "type", my situation, called for only 4 chemo infusions, and that those infusions conisted of a chemo cocktail that is not as harsh and debilitating as many many others. It still is crappy, but not as crappy as it could be. for that i am grateful

So....for this milestone, i had my "full moon girls", Cory & Beth with me. They are special and tho i may see one or the other,or they may see each other periodically, getting the 3 of us at one time is epic power. So it had to be. Helped that Cory brought killer vegan lunch from a new food trailer called Concious Cravings.

Full Moon Sisters

I had heard about the tradition of confettin & ringing the bell on your last day, but by the time i was done, it was super empty and i was feeling self concious about making a to do. But i had one of those magic moments that only happens in the cancer club. I spotted a woman there who was visitng another patient, she looked familiar, i had seen her at a BCRC event months before and had the same feeling. But this time i got it, i used to know her, our 12 year olds had been in pre-school together. I'd been to her house. I remembered that she had fought this battle way back. I couldn't remember her name. She had short hair, she knew all the nurses, i wondered if she was back in. When she walked by i said HEY, i KNOW you! remmeber, ect... she did. She is back in, stage 4 lifer.

We had a nourishing catch up, you people tell me i'm inpiring, meet her, she made me so happy with her spirit. She was a like a glowy wood sprite, magical, cute.

anywayssss, she wouldn't hear of no confetti, so she made it happen, i rang the bell, i went home.

weird emotions, happy to be done with that, beyond happy. Guilty it was comparitavely easy. Sad to not be going anymore. I know, that's weird, but it's there. Dread as usual with how i knew i was going to feel.
fear in a way, that now, well in a few weeks, i can't "use" chemo, i have to become accountable, responible for my health, efficient with my time, present with my children, stuff i long for, but stuff i'm not as used to. I can't blame a sugar extravaganza on chemo cravings, I can't blame flaky on chemo brain, you get the idea.

So now, i'm still exhausted to the max, what's different is knowing that it's over. knowing that 3 weeks from October 12th will be like new territory, each day after 3 weeks will be a step towards feeling normal. It makes me want to over achieve. But i was reminded that chemo can stay in your body for up to a year, so i guess i do have a while....i'll try to chill

So...what now. Well. now it's time to focus on the boobs. I still need to go for a few more expansions. Then in December i will have my replacement surgury. Where the plasitc surgeon will remove these horrible uncomfortable yucky expanders and place lovely silicon implants. i can't wait. I have heard this surgury is a piece o cake in comparison. so yay.

I will start my 5 years of Tamoxifen in a week. Weird to think of taking something for 5 years. I am trying not to read too much about side affects. It is what it is. I have to deal.

I will start excercising more, little by little, i'm joining a 12 week program at the Y through livestrong. I need more yoga. I would like to lose the weight i gained during chemo.

appointments and follow ups and scans, i guess they will be part of my life.

Oh yeah, and my hair!! i am so ready for that.

the love bomb dropped - thank you

2010-10-15T10:34:00.000-05:00

I had never heard of http://www.dropalovebomb.com/ before yesterday. But when i emerged from a 1.5 hour accupuncture appointment and looked at my blackberry as usual, i thought my eyes were fuzzy when i saw 164 emails on one of my accounts. I glanced and saw they were all comments on this blog. what?
when i got home i started to figure it out. then i spent about the next 2 hours reading all the comments....and they kept coming.
What can i say! this amazingly happened on a day where i was too chemo sick to do anything....so it was such a blessing, such a way to be uplifted, and so nice that i was clear from work or parenting so i could fully dive in to the love and support that was poured on me.

I wish i could reply to every single one of you, i mean, everyone!
I can't believe this exists, i can't believe people really take the time to do this for people. I imagine this love just spreading and exploding all over the universe and finidng those that need it, it all swirls around and lands in the right places, and comes back to those who give.

These comment have affected me so much!
Some of course made me cry
Some made me feel strong powerful & capable
Some humbled me
Some made me really laugh out loud (i took my phone on a short stroll & freaked out a neighbor when laughed at one particular comment)
Some people wrote poems
Some prayers
Some people related
Some reminded me of who i am
Some gave me hope
Some inspired me
All made me feel good
All were thoughtful and perfect
I pretty much felt the full 360 degrees of emotions, which is a very affirming feeling. That's life.

i will always tout the value of this kind of support during something like this. it takes all kinds, not just the traditional hands on. This kind of thing has helped me immensely

the comments are still coming...
so to ALL that dropped the love bomb and all that take the time to comment, to me or anyone that needs it - i thank you!

LOVE
Nanette

crappy chemo side effect of the day

2010-10-09T20:29:00.000-05:00

i guess you could post a post a day about each crappy side effect, and i suppose different chemo patients would have varying degrees of crapiness. Sometimes we all feel we can relate to each other, but sometimes we notice how each experience is unique.
but today, what is bugging me the most is the crying, like pms hormone to the MAX. i can't stop. it's ridic. everything makes me cry:
this episode of chopped
my 12 year old's trials & tribulations, successes & failures
my 9 year olds cute exhaustion that only comes from a good time
happy pretty people walking around town
my friends 1 year old son at the children's museum, innocent smile
the fact that i'm happy
the fact that i'm not done yet
my low GI cookbook (see, it's not your average cry fest)
kindness
my cute daddy
a poem
the past
the future
my tiredness
my reflection
the love

you never know

2010-10-08T09:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when i go about my day, grocery store, coffee shop, walk in my neighborhood, with my gypsy head scarf look, i am convinced of course that people look at me. They probably are, i don't blame them. But i am always convinced i know what they are thinking.
The teenage girls look with a bit of fear, and distance, the beautiful neighorhood moms out running look with pity and glad it's not me thoughts, maybe a bit of wow she's so brave thrown in. The men driving by, also sympathy, tho more detatched than the women.
but one day, a man drove by in my neighborhood when i was walking, and he smiled at me, and i had a sudden epiphany, it's far more likely that the teenagers are looking at me thinking, yeah, that was my mom last year, the women are thinking, i remember when so & so lost her hair, the men may be remembering when they supported their wife 5 years prior, and thought she was still beautiful with no hair.
That's sad that that is so likely, but it's also comforting. It's helped me to think this way, it makes me see myself as stronger, as a person to inspire, not as a spectacle, an object.

ps. i realize that almost every blog post i write, has two feelings about something, a sad, scared, neg side, and an opposite counter, is that because i'm a crazy gemini? or is that the nature of trauma and the blessings. Oh yeah, it's both

Chemo Round #3

2010-10-06T09:01:00.000-05:00

wow, i just realized i never posted about this round, it was 2 weeks ago. I guess cos really it was in some ways uneventful, and in many ways so much worse than round 2. it really kinda wore me down.
let's see...
In between 2 & 3, my white blood count got really low, as expected, but they were worried and put me on atibiotic. For some reason this put in a funk, and it also meant i couldn't get expanded on my usual day, delay delay delay, hard to accept.
Sooooo, i went for expansion the day after Chemo #3, my white blood cells were up again enough, enough to not need Neulasta shot again (thank goodness) - but not long after the expansion appointment i started to feel so sick, bed ridden sick, i got a fever that reached 102. Nurses said probably was inflamation due to the expanding, and to watch to make sure i didn't get an ifection in the chest area. I didn't. I stayed in bed and watched 3 movies in a row, fever went down, i didn't puke. but yeah, felt pretty bad till about sunday. I missed attending a closing. Luckily i have wonderful understanding clients. but i had a closing! yay.
oh, and my AC was broken, for some reason i was ok with it till about thursday. My amazing next door neighbor took matters into her hands and called a highly reccomended and "cheap" AC guy. and offered to pay unless it was really huge. Not only was it not huge, but they guy only charged $50, he said it was "his part". The kindess of him, my neighbor, the universe - again makes my knees week. It makes me so emotional. and grateful.

Since then...well, good. My funk lifted mostly, my energy returned mostly. I'm still more tired, deep tired, than i've ever known. I'm emotional, on edge, sometimes peaceful, tired of it, happy it's almost over. Feeling like isolating somewhat, scared of germs. roller coastery. irritated. empowered. scared. yep, all of the above.

Just had the 2 week post chemo blood test results yeterday, white blood low, but no antibiotic this time. Red blood up a bit. Don't hug me if you see me. I feel it. exhaustion is in the bones. And i hate worrying about crowds and germs. I just flaked on recording a video for clear channel for race for the cure because i'm too tired & don't want to be around so many peeps. hate flaking.

I had an appointment with the amazing Dr. Luepnitz (nutritional oncologist) and feel confident that his work will really help my body strengthen & recover from the ravages of chemo as well as add to my arsenal of remaining cancer free for life.

I'm dreading round #4 but i know it will be over so trying not to dwell....

music is me

2010-10-03T21:49:00.001-05:00

now that the drama of surgery & recovery are past, and chemo is firmly embeded in all my cells & organs, i find myself hard to define.
I don't even know if i know what that means. but this is what if feels like:
I go to usual places, and i feel awkward and alien. I have a head scarf on, tons of make-up. I know i'm pretty but i feel unusual, something to look at. At the grocery store i only feel "normal" when i think of myself as someone other than the nanette i am used to. At school pick up, i hover further down the street. I don't feel like hanging out so much in places i used to feel comfortable. I rather go to unfamiliar places, because then i am anonymous random person
I'm not ashamed or embarassed about looks, i just don't feel like me.
I don't react to things the same way. I don't see things the same.
I'm not really sad, or depressed, i just don't feel like me
I don't find that nanette i recognize, that impy cute girl with long braids that always got what i wanted, the pink haired daring teenager that lived for shows, that superawesome mom of babes who was so instinctive, that badass single mom who tried to deal with it all.

but i did discover that the only time i truly feel like me, is when i'm listening to rock n roll, on my ipod, in my car. it's the only time i'm not in my head, i'm just being. being me. Music IS me

I know that going through this has changed me completely, one day the chemo will be out of my system, my scars will fade, i'll run without getting out of breath, (i'll run!) and normalcy will ensue, but i never will be the same. And the reason i'm not sad, is that i know i will be better.
but thank god for rock n roll

Mamma Jamma Ride coming up

2010-09-23T16:28:00.000-05:00

So i've been aware of the aweseome Mamma Jamma ride against breast cancer coming up this weekend, the 25th - but not being a bike rider for some reason i was feeling kinda detatched from the details and involvement. But today i got an email from my friend Chris Pellegrino, telling me he was riding for me! I'm really touched. Not only is Chris a good friend, he is also one of the owners of Austin Fine Properties the Real Estate company i work for. It feels so good to be so fully supported by them in my personal life as well as proffessional .
One thing that is awesome about this event is that it is raising money for 10 different LOCAL non profits including two of my faves that are close to my heart - The Breast Cancer Resource Center & Wonders & Worries - read about Wonders & Worries and what they mean to me HERE
So if you have been hearing the buzz about Mamma Jamma ride and looking for a person or reason to donate, check out Chris's personal page below and donate :)) and maybe train for next year!

Chris' Mamma Jamma ride!

Look Good...Feel Better = feel awesome

2010-09-12T10:01:00.000-05:00

the large bag the goodies came in

of all the many wonderful services & progams for those undergoing treatment for cancer, this one could possibly this make-up junkie's absolute fave.

The American Cancer Society offers their Look Good...Feel Better to help women learn to apply make-up to look better during treatment. As well as offer tips & advice for hygienic safe practices while being compromised immune wise, and BEST OF ALL provide the survivors with a chock full o nuts bag of free make-up & products. So amazing.

Some things i learned:
Your skin can get drier, so use gentle cleansers and facial and body moisturizers for dry skin.
How to apply under eye concealer more effectively for dark circles as a result of fatigue & lack of sleep
How to blend and use more eyeshadow than I usually use to really accentuate eyes - this is important when you lose your hair and wear scarves ect...to bring more focus to eyes. i amd LOVING this part. I usually just put on eyeliner, glittery of course, and light mascara.
Same with more blush, you can get pretty pale undergoing chemo
Don't get manicures, any cuts from cutting cuticles can put you more at risk for infection. I am sad about this, i am manicure obsessed and get them regularly. But i learned to make sure to really use cuticle oil a lot to keep them from drying out. and you can push them back with cuticle pusher back sticks, and wear clear polish so Drs can check your nail bed color for signs of anything.
We learned some make-up brush cleaning tips.
Eyebrow filling techniques for thinning or complete eyebrow loss

Our "teacher" was Matilda, she is a stylist & make-up artist at Ulta and has gone through specific training to be able to offer this program. She knew a lot about chemo & it's side effects. She was very knowledgeable about the situation specific make-up & beauty needs. She explained in great detail about the hygiene needs. And she was cute as all get out.

me & Matilda

As for the make-up bag, i'm amazed at all the goods inside, i didn't get a picture of it all, but there was TONS, and good brands too! Chanel, aveda, Estee Lauder, Bobbi Brown among others.
I got cleanser, moisturizer, 3 tubes of eye cream, two tubes of body lotion, concealer, 2 eyeshadows, eyeliner, brow pencil, mascara, foundation, powder, 3 lipstics, blush, I'm in love with it all.

just some of the goodies

Lipstick is my fave make-up

And even though i'm still not used to the time it takes to do it all in the mornings, i really am having a blast pampering myself with it all and playing and i really do feel pretty.

I hope that every woman with any type of cancer takes advantage of this program. Please if you are reading this and you have a friend, pass the info on, i think it's so very important to have that girly/womany/pretty feeling when you are dealing with things that are doing their damndest to take that away from you.

Chemo Round 2

2010-09-07T20:28:00.000-05:00

I was late to this appointment because 1. i am not used to putting on total make-up, it um...takes longer & 2. i didn't give myself scarf practice time, this was day after shave day, i had a mini fit of panic, but got it in the end.

My darling friend Laurie who braved this trail just before me, met me there to hang for a while. We share the same oncologist, you should have seen his face when he walked in the room and saw us both there. he was all "what???" her support has meant the world to me. Laurie also brought me a latte - joy.

Port access was easier, i didn't have to get med explanation, all in all uneventful and cozy. it's odd how i sort of look forward to it.

Beth came to visit too

I lounged out and read magazines

One thing that was different, i got less of the steroid, because i suffered from really bad stomach pains last time, sort of acidy.

As a result of this i think, i felt much sicker sooner. Night of day two, morning of day three were bad. I conveniently remembered the 1 million anti nausea meds i had and that miraculously did the trick on thursday morning. So i was able to get to my beloved accupuncture appointment with Dr. He

Another interesting point, is that altho my white blood count was low at 2 weeks as it was supposed to be, it had climbed high enough by the infusion day that i did not need the shot of Neulasta which i was dreading.

I am wondering if it is the accupuncture & chinese herbs that are helping that. I also wonder if they can be attributed to my quick recoveries. Who knows. I just know that after that bad 24 hours i really only felt blah-ish and super tired. I had a low point on saturday night again. but i blame that on the return of the offspring - hehehe. they do wear me out more than if i were alone.

Now it's tuesday as i write this and i have been working, both showing houses and on the computer, running errands, talking small walks doing yoga at home, and attempting pupusa making with my brother

And i'm half way there....

the buzz

2010-09-06T12:36:00.000-05:00

so as i posted just over a week ago, i noticed the beginnings of the hair falling out, it was depressing.
it was pretty slow at first, handleable, but i was scared to wash it, and blow dry it. wanting to "preserve" it as long as possible.
I had things to do, a party, a social media event - the awseome BlogathonATX - an Open House at a listing, shopping, i wasn't entirely ready, i swear i used enough hairspray to kind of shellac my hair in place. That makes me laugh now.
But over last weekend it actually got to be a pain in the ass and also somewhat alarming. Hair was everywhere - so i designated Monday August 30th as Head Shaving Day.

waiting for the clippers

My best friend Elizabeth is also my hairdresser, she is also as close as a sister, i wouldn't have anyone else do this. (see her "pretty handiwork in this post )

so, kinda like the wig post, this wasn't really as sillyfun as i naively hoped. I had a fantasy about initially shaving it for pics into the "chelsea" cut of old skool girl skinheads, a hairdo i wanted soooo bad when i was 13 and living in London, my mother would NEVER let me do it - i wanted a re-do ;)
But once she started it was insanely hard, i couldn't look in the mirrior and tears were streaming, needless to say a majority of the pics are not being published.

having the back shaved was easy

It doesn't matter what you "know" inside, there's still no being ready for that, it's too shocking. It's like the ultimate hardcore reminder that this is REALLY happening. There is no denying it. It's unreal.

If it hadn't been for Eliz and my dude and some lipstick i don't know how i would have made it out of there. Oh and the cool head scarf....that scarf allowed me a shopping trip to target

so since then i've gotten more comfy with scarf tying, i learned some fun make up techniques from the Look Good Feel Better program (post upcoming), i've gotten more used to looking at myself, i've gone to my son's 3rd grade back to school night, I've felt self concious in stores, i've felt brave too.

It seems like it's going to be a heck of a long time till it starts to grow back, that's depressing, i'm tired of it already.
but i am looking forward to growing back, and the hairdos to come. such a chance to experiment.

the pile

so if you you see me now, i will be all gypsy scarfy

What's that on your head? A wig!

2010-09-04T18:55:00.000-05:00

One of my fave children's books is Wig! the B52's song illustrated by Laura Levine. The words are funny, the illustrations are colorful and quirky - it's hilarious. My kids & i have laughed, quoted & visualized the zany wigs on ourselves - the pages are torn.

I tried to envoke this kitchy glamour when i went to the American Cancer Society to get fitted and choose my two free wigs. (please look for the location near you to get yours!) - i brought along my fab friends John & Chris who i knew would cheer me on. But trying on wigs for this occasion wasn't quite as fun as i imagined.

I think i was just feeling a bit tense & down with the obvious signs leading to needing them...i'm gonna try again in a week or so at the oft talked about mecca Quarter to 10 where faux hawk wigs are rumored to be in supply, so stay tuned for that post.

I do think it's wonderful that the ACS provides this, they also have massive amounts of scarves and hats and turbans and wraps and you are allowed to take 2 home with you. All free.
First the girl (who's name i forgot immediately) showed us the wig room, where i had to pick a couple i thought i might like, it was kind of surreal, and none looked really me-ish

John telling me to get a "realtor" wig

then she measured my head - i have a small head

then she gave me the sorta stocking cap to put over my head, both for hygiene, and to help them not to slide, i think i look weird in it.

I did pick two, but i didn't love them, my natural hair is fine, so anything with volume looks weird to me, i suppose they might look ok to a stranger, and perhaps if i have a new client or something i'll wear one.

ummm no

this almost looks real

I did end up getting this one

She also gave me a Survivor shirt for the ACS Relays - i will find out when those are and sign up!

I really did have visions of this experience & this post to be more fun filled silliness but i just didn't feel it that day, i guess it's because i wish i wasn't experiencing it in the first place. I am grateful to ACS for what they do though

Don't worry, i AM getting that hot pink wig....

A welcome mini vaycay - Brenham TX

2010-08-30T06:43:00.000-05:00

To put it mildly, my kids have had a shitty summer, a pretty shitty year for that matter with their stepmom fighting breast cancer, and their grandpa almost dying all right before my stuff.
But the summer is supposed to be fun right? We had plans to go on another road trip like last year's one to Atlanta. This time we were going to go to The Oz Museum in Wamego Kansas - we are Wizard of Oz fanatics. The kids were also going to maybe to a camp or two, theater camp, horse riding, funnish stuff. Of course none of that happened.
The trip for obvious reasons. The camps for financial. They spent a majority of the summer at their dad's house. Which of course isn't terrible, but it's not me. They misssed me, they missed me on top of the worry & fear. They were so good.
They did have one thing to look forward to though - Camp Kessem - a FREE week long sleepaway camp for kids who's parents have cancer, they weren't into it at first but grew to excitement level - welllll that was cancelled 2 days before it was to start. I'm not going to to diss the program, i don't fully understand the red tape circumstances involved, and i hope they can go next year. Then i'll write good stuff about it. but yeah, that sucked a lot, so much dissapointment, so unstable. so shitty.

But here's where i get to the good stuff, first, it really is good that they got to spend a week with me solid before school, AND it was the "good" feeling week in between chemos.

They needed that. So i decided to take advantage of feeling good (and still having hair so looking good) and take them on a mini trip. My parents encouraged this also, we all felt so sorry for them.
It needed to be close-ish, and not too hard for me, like amusement park, or big city maneuvering - we came up with Brenham Texas, home of Blue Bell Ice Cream!
Just under 2 hours away...check
Small town low key low $ entertainment....check
Reasonable hotels...check

We stayed at a Comfort Suites that the kids literally did cartweels in, cos they could, it was that big. Kitchenette, two rooms with a wall divider, mini sofa bed, 2 flat screen TVs, free breakfast with Texas shaped Waffles (is there any other state that can do that???)
I searched the internet and this is what we did over 3 days & 2 nights

The Jersey Barnyard
Also known as Frerichs Dairy, this is actually in nearby La Grange. Kids met Cisco the donkey, fed chickens, roosters, rabits & calves, went on a hayride & milked a cow. Family owned, unbelieveably nice people, we were the only ones there.

we called this chicken Bellina after Dorothy's pet in Wizard of Oz

Cisco

Blue Bell Creameries
We went early for the first tour, saw the factory how the ice cream is made & packaged and you get free ice cream at the end!

Monastery of St. Clare Miniature Horse Farm
Miniature horses are cute. Kids love them. beautiful setting. happy kids

Chappell Hill Lavender Farm
This place was so gorgeous and the kids loved picking their own lavender. It was slim pickins due the Lavender festival being the weekend before but we found some

We ate at Must Be Heaven - which has an old timey ice cream parlour and walked around the cute old downtown, there's also a Starbucks & a bunch of other good & easy places to eat.

So really what this post is is about is a reminder that life does not stop, you can still do fun stuff while undergoing treatment (if you actually can physically, i know it's different for everyone)

AND take advantage of the times you feel good, between the chemos. Do something you want to do!

PS. I also have been working while I feel good, showing houses, held an Open House, studying the MLS, blogging on http://rocknrealty.net/ it helps me to feel real and more like ME.

misplaced obsessions

2010-08-28T09:24:00.000-05:00

sometimes it's easier to focus on other stuff than cancer & recovery & pain & surgeries & chemo - i call them missplaced obsessions

at first right after surgery it was ocd house clean stuff which if you know me is really odd. but because i was unable to do anything for myself, i was really stubborn at controlling how others put stuff away, washed dishes, every wayward paper or dish had to be picked up, tons of petty things like that. I hated it, and i purposefully made myself get over it, i really did appreciate all the help and wanted to ACT like i did. now my silverware is stored in a totally different order and i get a kick out of seing it every day - the standard "let it go" lesson.

sometimes my focus is being perfect mom, i'm determined to start cooking family meals, scrapbook with my son, paint my daughter's nails, and that after this is over it's gonna be all different and better and i'm gonna start now.....and see?? i'm amazing, i can do all this and fight cancer, of course i know this is ridiculous - the standard "i can't do it all" lesson combined with the standards "i am doing the best i can" lesson

currently my missplaced concern is weight gain. I know that is so trivial and not relevant in regards to my health. but i read constantly about how some people gain weight during chemo, i think about actually "dieting" during it, when a friend tells me how the steroids made them gain weight, i think to myself, "oh that won't be me"
everyone tells me not to think about it, focus on being healthy, but when i think about losing my hair, or the current size of my chest, i feel like dammit, i gotta look good somewhere. it's like insult to injury.
and then i feel guilty for being so concerned with something so trivial. it's hard when i just don't look or feel like my normal self - the standard "i'm beautiful no matter what" (bleagghhhh) lesson and "just focus on my health" lesson

errrgg contsant struggle with my brain to balance gratitude, fear, bravery & exhaustion

Chemo Round 1

2010-08-26T15:16:00.001-05:00

I am soooo due for an actual update!
Had my first chemo session August 10th - at Texas Oncology. i wasn't nervous, just more apprehensive and strangely looking forward to it, to get it going, and to have an excuse to sit for 4 hours and veg.
I was however nervous about them accessing my port for the first time - turns out it was hard for the first nurse to get a line, and it hurt a little, then another nurse came in and got it right away, this was for blood draw initialy, then for the chemo IVs.

Then a chat with my lovely dear sweet oncologist, i adore him. then off to the infusion room. As i didn't go to the "chemo class" it was all kinda new to me, it was a bit more clinical than i thought, and seeing all the other patients sitting with IVs was a little sad.
My nurse explained how the scene was gonna go down, first this drip, then that drug, then this blah blah blah.

i really don't know why i look surprised - these chairs are superlazyboys, nice

My friend Kati took me and stayed with me the whole time, AND Jennifer came to visit for a while as she had a follow up appointment anyway.

me and kati

I took an ativan before going so i was really relaxed, i read mags, tweeted/texted/emailed on my bb, dozed, and chatted, it was really kinda nice. I guess i'm lucky that the drugs i get do not effect me as they go in, so all in all it was a pleasant experience - weird huh...

I blame the ativan and vicodin for this pic

so.... side effects: I didn't start feeling bad till the third day - and i can only describe it as like a bad hangover maybe, just generaly feeling like crap, heavy, zero appetite, tired, draggy. then for a couple of days i felt ok in the day to work showing houses a bit, but the evening, i would get bad stomach pain and bone aches, so much so that i had to get in bed and take something for the pain. Pair this with the fact that i had my kids back, AND their free camp for kids who's parents have cancer was cancelled. But they were good, sweet, and let me rest. There were moments where i felt so down that i was scared and angry and sad that i had to feel this way because of a stupid disease and an evil drug that i need. And i felt dread at the thought of the other sessions. I know they are supposed to get worse each time. and i won't have hair next time

THEN after a week, i felt great, super good energy, NORMAL :) so much that i took my poor kids on a mini trip (blog post later)
Ok - so that's round 1, i hope round 2 on August 31st is the same, i can handle that.....

hair - redux

2010-08-25T19:24:00.000-05:00

yeah, today i feel the first signs of the hair falling out - i'm on the verge of tears constantly, even though of course i was expecting this, and i was even expecting to feel this way, i still feel unprepared to cope.

I have scarves galore, i have an appointment with the American Cancer Society for my 2 free wigs, i have confidence somewhere inside me, but i still want to cry, and i still don't want it to happen.

i also have a beautiful silk pillow case that my friend Christina from My Soul to Keep gave me, supposed to be good for all this

PS did you know the Amercian Cancer Society will give cancer patients 2 free wigs with a fitting and everything? AND they also offer Look Good, Feel Better program which includs a free makeup kit, to help with makeup & stuff durinig treatemt? Look it up, it's awesome

Pre-Chemo-hair-cut

2010-08-25T06:53:00.000-05:00

I cut my hair super short in prep for chemo hair loss....i LOVE it, now i'm even more bummed it's gonna fall out as i wanna rock this do for a while, but then if it hadn't been for impending chemo, i would not have had the guts to cut it.

Thanks to the artistry of Elizabeth Giddens for the sexy do

Scarf Party

2010-08-24T23:08:00.001-05:00

Inspired by the hotness of my friend who wore sassy scarves when she lost her hair, my friends and i decided to have a scarf party!
the idea being to bring a scarf for me to use, and then have fun trying them on, learning to tie them ect... you tube has some fun videos showing how..
well we didn't end up trying them on and playing, BUT i did amass more scarves than i can probably wear during my no hair time and we did have a blast, with bloody mary's, vegan cupcakes and other vegan goodies and of course the best thing, my girlfriends all around!

Here are some pics from the shindig:
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my son sportin a hot look

words words words

2010-08-24T12:02:00.001-05:00

I really do believe that the words you say to yourself, your inner tapes, are incredibly powerful. It's not a new mega insightful revelation, positive affirmations have always been touted for creating good things in one's life, negative self messages are well known to eat away and damage self estem and confidence.

So when i remember, i do try to think and talk positively about this cancer, you know, everyone says the positive attitude is what gets you through...it's true i know i know, but i'm also realistic with myself and i cuss and cry and tell it all to fuck off now and then.

BUT the other day i had a super powerful experience around words, and changing them, and my attitude.
I was talking with a fellow warrior, she is further along than i and was talking about how even tho the Doc says it's fine, she feels worried & unconfortable laying on her stomach during yoga class. I totally could relate and said "well we've been through so much - i mean our chest area has been brutally..." and she seemlesly finished my sentance with "....mutilated"
Such strong and violent words, yet when we were talking they made me feel powerful, like yeah, heck yeah, that's what we'e been through, it sucks, it's hard, we're dealing. despite what's been done to us. power.

BUT a few minutes later i was doing some gentle yoga on my mat at home. I like to speak mantras to myself with my breath in passive poses, and i've been working alot with chest/heart opening poses, to physically counter the weeks of sitting on my couch and the effects of surgury, and to mentally open my heart to love & life. So as i stood in mountain, meditating, opening, the words came back to me, "brutally mutilated" and they just didn't feel right in my loving yoga practice.

SO i decided to reword it, change the experience. What came to me was "i was lovingly cared for and tended to by my doctors who worked on me with love and the desire to save my life and make me beautiful" (yeah, kinda long and not as impact-y as the original version) - the result was more powerful. The feeling of gratitude overcame me.

it feels so much better to not feel like a VICTIM of all this - (even though it's still not fair)

Why I Race - Komen Austin newsletter

2010-08-23T22:59:00.000-05:00

I wrote my story for the Komen Austin Race for the Cure newsletter and it was released August 2010 - you can see it on the website HERE but i also copied it here - it was inspiring and emotional to write - i hope some of you will join my Komen team The Glitter Dropz

I race because of this huge, loving, inspiring club of fellow survivors!

In 2009, I participated in the Susan G. Komen Austin Race for the Cure to honor my children’s stepmother who was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 32. Her diagnosis was shocking and felt tragic to us, driving home the concept that it can happen to anyone. It inspired me to get health insurance, which as a self- employed person is not the easiest thing to do. But at least I didn’t have cancer.

Six months later, I felt something in my breast and had a strange feeling. No, there was no way I could have breast cancer, not me! I also had breast pain, googled it, and self-diagnosed a hormonal cystic fibroid. Whew! Nevertheless, at 42 years old I had never had a mammogram, so I scheduled a regular check up and was sent for a mammogram.

After viewing the mammogram the doctor sent me for a biopsy that day! It was a Friday and I had to wait over the weekend for the results. I remember thinking that I didn’t want my life to change, but it did when the phone call came. Getting the call that I had breast cancer was a call I will never forget. It is impossible news. What about my kids, my plans, my breasts, my money, my happiness? What was going to happen to all of that?

I found that inside of us there is an amazing strength to do what we need to do when life throws us challenges. I told my family and friends, I made my appointments; I put on pretty clothes and makeup. I took action. Taking action is a powerful tool.

Due to various circumstances, what was originally planned as a lumpectomy became a bilateral mastectomy. I started chemotherapy on August 10th. I am amazed daily how happy I am. What originally felt like a tragedy has actually helped me be happier than I have ever been. The gifts I received since my diagnosis are immeasurable. Words from strangers on my blog, casual acquaintances offering help, reuniting with old friends I haven’t seen in a long time, phone calls from survivors I have never met, and of course the huge love and support from those close to me. Generosity is abundant and it makes me happy and strong, and I cannot wait to pass it on.

I thought I was a tough and strong, but now I KNOW I am tough and strong. Yet I have also learned to yield, ask for help and accept help. That has been my biggest lesson; strength does not mean that I have to do it all by myself.

Breast cancer sucks, and the frequency of its diagnosis is shocking. It’s physically and emotionally challenging, but in some odd way we are lucky. We are part of a huge, loving, and inspiring club. I am thrilled to be able to race at the 2010 Austin Race for the Cure, along with my fellow warriors, those that are survivors, and those that support us all.

Warmly,
Nanette Labastida
3 ½ month survivor

Highway 71 revisited...

2010-08-06T18:43:00.000-05:00

this past thursday i attended my 7th Bob Dylan concert at the new Backyard....! My first was when i was 12. I'm 42.
I've talked Dylan in this blog before, and anyone who knows me well knows i'm a diehard fan. love him with a passion.
I bought tickets for this show, back when i knew i had breast cancer, but i had NO idea where i would be in the treatment of it. I just bought them and hoped.

my last post i updated that my final drains were finally removed, well since then i have steadily been feeling better & better, gaining strength and feeling more "me". I have started taking little walks in my neighborhood & doing some gentle yoga so by the time the Dylan show date came i felt like i was ready to handle it.
It was perfect. We didn't park far, we got an excellent spacious spot with a great view of stage, and it was miraculously not too hot.

It was one of the best Dylan shows i've seen. He is sounding goooood, the band was amazing, the SOUND at the new Backyard was perfect, the setting ideal, the company loving, and i was there....i made it, and i felt good & happy throughout.

It feels special & right that my first post surgery night out was at Dylan, in the hill country with my best people. I am lucky.

Oh...and he played Stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues Again...ohhh mamaaa

schedule schmedule

2010-07-29T00:05:00.001-05:00

i really need to stop with the expectations and planning
i always think of myself as so go with the flow and easy going, and really i am, but in this, i have found that counting days, figuring out when stuff is gonna happen or be over, gives me a sense of control, except it doesn't...

so first of all, i didn't start chemo on the 27th, i changed that to Aug 10th a while ago, cos somehow i just knew the 27th would be too soon. I was right.

I am recovering from surgery a bit slower than i expected.
the magical date of 2 weeks after surgery came, and my drains weren't ready to come out. 2 of them did, but the other 2 were nowhere close. drains are annoying, yucky, and constricting. my warddrobe is limited to the camisoles with pockets, the tube sites hurt. and it is frustrating to not be like i was supposed to be.
I'm also still in more pain and more tired than i imagined i would be.
Then i got a low grade fever & some redness at one of the incision sites. Luckily i had a prescription for antibiotic on hand so hopefully that will take care of any potential infection.

Good news is today i did get the last two drains out - FREEDOM! sadly it hurt so effin much i cried my eyes out, and it pretty much wiped my whole day out. my poor sweet plastic surgeon wiped my eyes with tissue and joked i was crying tears of gratitude for my Dr. he felt so bad.
Also a bummer is that i didn't get expanded at all, i haven't once since surgery, he wants to wait till the redness goes. this is when he said the words "you are a bit behind schedule, but it's all good" - thankfully what imprinted was the it's all good part.
I take it as a lesson, to let go and be ok with a plan and schedule that is out of my control. And to trust.
I tend to catastrophize things if it's not EXACTLY how i was told or what i expected, and obsess that it must be all wrong. The people around me are reaallllyyy good at recoginzing that and snapping me out of it.

oh, and Dr H wants to walk on my Komen Race for the Cure Team, even though Beth & I warned him he would have to don a bedazzled tee shirt, i think it was the promise of Tito's bloody mary's. whatever, it's awesome.

redux of a bad moment...

2010-07-22T17:30:00.002-05:00

i have heard, more than once, that you are a cancer survivor from the moment you are diagnosed.
i also heard once that SURVIVING the diagnoses is the hardest part
That i believe. I recieved my diagnosis over the phone, in my car, luckily not driving yet. I was expecting the biopsy results. I had emerged from an accupuncure session with multiple missed calls and a couple of messages from the Women's Imaging Center, so i knew not to call when i was driving. Just in case it was bad news.
It was.
The calls were from Dr O'Connell. I had not met her, turns out the day i went in was one of the very rare days she was off, but they told me she would be the one to call. She has a slight Irish accent. That i will never ever forget.
I don't feel like trying to explain all the unexplainable thoughts that went through my brain in those moments of hearing those words. It's really hard to re go through.
But i do remember her accent. And i remember thinking how hard it must be for her to do this every day. And then i went into practical info mode...met with the actual Drs that would be tending to me, and tried to forget that part of it all.

Well today i had an amazing oportunity - my best friend was signed up to take me to a follow up Dr appointment this morning, and we decided to make a sorta symbolic day of it and she scheduled a mammogram right before it at my same old place. Like a dual support pact for the boobs.
While she went in to the imaging room, i spied Dr. O'Connell, and i suddenly got up and went to her and introduced myself. I told her we hadn't met but that she was the one to call me. I told her i just had a mastectomy. And I told her i wanted to meet her to erase the negative imprint memory of her voice. We hugged. We talked about my health. She noticed my accent (what accent??) and could tell i had lived in UK so then we talked about marmite. :)
It was very bondy, and kind of emotional. I feel really lucky i got to do that.

post-op deets

2010-07-19T12:57:00.001-05:00

hehe, hospital gown pre-op

hi friends...
so it's been a week & a half since surgery and just over a week since i got home. i think i needed to get out of the emotional & physical fog before i could update on here, i get exhausted talking, and also had i written during the initial post op haze there was high risk of major TMI - hahaha

the hospital stay is kind of a blur, but a fun one. I didn't have any pain really thanks to the lovely iv and constant flow of juice. i did often fall asleep mid conversation, or worse i remember waking up from little naps and dreams and start talking to whoever was there and have no idea what i was really talking about, that was cute. My best friends, mom & boyfriend were all there on & off the whole time. Elizabeth brought me a cupcake, took me for a walk around the ward, Beth helped me brush my teeth, Kati bombarded my room with hot pink roses, giant balloons & pink monkey, Laurie passed on "chemo bear" that i acutally snuggled one nap, Cory brought her sunshine as one of my first faces i remember coming into focus, my dude braved the dreaded cot to stay all night, Jan, Danielle, my bro even my cute dad, barely out of hospital himself.
All the tweets & texts & facebook comments add to the super heart filling feelings that make all this so much more bearable.
Beinig home has been amazing too, many thanks to Roggie for setting up food delivery schedule, so nice knowing my fridge is constantly stocked with super healthy yummy foods.
Had some pain transitioning to pain meds at home, having the drains is a drag. being able to take a shower is a blessing yet it's a pain in the ass to do and wears me out big time.
I'm surprisingly not stir crazy nor do i have cabin fever
I'm a bit bored and have watched more tv marathons on tbs, bravo, food network and tlc to last a lifetime.
the port site creeps me out a little, i won't go into detail but if you know what that is you know what i mean.
The expanders are as i heard, uncomfortable
I'm tired of being on pain meds - i wanna be all they way clear headed, but i'm learning to enjoy the veg
I was surprised at my OCD ness when i first got home, i never have had to tell people what to do in such detail before, am letting that go
Getting better at accepting all the help without guilt
At times the future vision is overwhelming and i cry, i can't imagine doing yoga, or running, or getting dressed in my usual clothes, i can't imagine myself dealing with chemo after this, i can't picture myself with different boobs, being care free, and when i think of the final stage not being till Nov/Dec i can't breathe.
But then someone keeps me focused on now, and I'm OK, now.
Or i count my humongous blessings and see the big picture.
My fear of looking at my physical shape post surgery was bigger than the reality - i expected the worst emotionally, but found it strangely easy. This isn't "me" it's just the beginning, not the finished product.

so despite physical discomfort and expected tough emotions at times - i'm really doing well. and i owe so much of it to my loves who are taking care of my heart and body, esp my bf who is heroic in all he does for me - although he would not like to read that - i love you guys.
thanks also to the BCRC (breast cancer resource center) for providing the ultra cute and handy camisoles to wear, they have pockets to hold the drains, BEST INVENTION EVER!

next up...drains OUT, expanders expanded...we'll see how that all goes down

...just like a woman

2010-07-02T15:02:00.003-05:00

Ok, here's the scoop everyone is waiting for...my treatment plan, first facts - then feelings:

(oh and i'm listening to Blonde on Blonde as i write, which both comforts me and makes my eyes well up, Dylan always has a way of allowing me to feel how i feel, if you know what i mean)

Thursday July 8th I'm going in for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction using tissue expanders, i want the works :-) - during surgery they will also insert a port, because July 27th i will be starting the dreaded chemo.

I will be getting TC chemo, 4 rounds every 3 weeks. i kept hoping i would magically be exempt, but my oncotype testing, despite my strong progesterone & estrogent receptor positive-ness, still put me slightly into the intermedeate range of reccurance within 5 years.

After chemo is done, I will have the replacement surgury, and from what i've seen and heard, it's a piece o cake and the joy of no more tisssue expanders overtakes it all.

then 5 years of tamoxifin

so weird that so much of this is my choice to make - but i felt such a strong pull to doing whaterthefuck it takes to ensure that on the other side, i live the best happiest, as low stress as poss, ultimate quality of life. And not undergoing all this stuff, would mean too much worry, what iffs, diligent monitoring, all the stress inducing stuff that actually is a factor in getting cancer.

I don't wanna lose my hair, little by little i try to get to picturing it, imagining what i will do ect.. Jenn, my exhusbandscurrentwife had the cutest scarves when she was in chemo, she learned them by watching african american hair videos on youtube, who knew. She'll teach me :)
Everyone says i need a hot pink bob wig, haha, it's true i do.
I admit, i'm kinda excited about the cute short haircuts i will have as it grows back, i always want to cut it but never have the nerve. In fact i will probably get one pixieish cut right before chemo.

I feel at peace, it is what it is, like i said, i kept hoping i would be magically exempt from the whole ugly scoop because i'm Nanette and i'm special, but somwhere in the last week, i came to realize that this is what it takes, thousands of amazing women do this and worse. I'm not special in cancer. we all are. I will be special in other ways.
i am scared tho

AND - I'm determined to make it the Bob Dylan show August 4th

Just Like a Woman - lyrics by Bob Dylan

Nobody feels any pain

Tonight as I stand inside the rain
Ev'rybody knows
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl

I am not a hairdresser but i play one...for Locks of Love

2010-07-01T00:19:00.004-05:00

I am so not a hairdresser, even though two of my best friends are, and i worked in a salon forevs. so i was really pretty excited but really more HONORED when my friend Jennie Chen asked ME to cut her hair for locks of love.
Well, not exactly. Jennie had been growing her hair & taking super good care of it for 20 months, and was ready to donate it to LOL, she had an event lined up for it at Waterstone and a wonderful hairdresser named Joel on board to cut her hair. But she wanted someone special to do the honorary initial cut, and she asked me. :)
Here is Jennie's blogpost with more details and info about her commitment to raising money for cancer & locks of love:

http://misohungrynow.blogspot.com/2010/06/waterstone-offers-25-haircuts-to.html

here are some pictures!

10 inches!

Adorably cute Jennie with her new dew

Cupcakes from Sugar Mamas! the mint choc chip ones are vegan mmm

Komen Race Team name help (AND CONTEST)

2010-06-27T11:25:00.000-05:00

This year i want to make a team for the Austin Komen race for the cure.

BUT - i can't think of the perfect name - has to be glittery of course, unicorns acceptable. Cute essential

My daughter wants "Glitter Palz" sokay, but not 100% sold

Glitter Every Day gang? Glittercorns - sigh....

Come on - give me some ideas - anything! if i pick yours i'll pay your Komen Race Entry - how bout that!

Please share this, i want tons of ideas SOON :)

lesson of the day

2010-06-26T14:22:00.001-05:00

I've told the story of the finding out i had breast cancer a lot of times - but only one person, and it was recently, said i should blog post it. duh, i totally should, cos there is a moral to the story....

so.....several months ago, i started to notice pain in, around my breast, it was really bothery, but it went away, it came back the next month and i realized it coincided with my cycle, starting right around ovulation. Breast cancer entered my thoughts, but, my ex husbands wife was just beginning her fight, my dad was in ICU at the heart hospital, law of average, universe fairness, brain rationalization meant that of course that was rediculous.
I did feel something, but not like what i thought a lump was, more of a hardness deep inside.

Third month i did google it - i googled "breast pain" - found exactly my symptoms, hormones...fibroid cysts...goes with cyle...some women worse than others...some get cysts removed even...

I googled "breast cancer" & "breast cancer pain" - nothing.

phew, google to the rescue. self diagnosis complete. life goes on.

then finally in May i decided to get my general act together and make a check up appointment. I hadn't had health insurance in five years and so hadn't been to the dr in 5 years, shabby i know.
so with insurance now in place 5 months....i went, got the usual and of course she said, you are 42 you need a mammogram...had it the next day...low and behold they were concerned by the pictures, biopsy that same day and tadaaaa..

SO - the moral of the story is DO NOT IGNORE BOOB STUFF!

no matter how small, how weird, how probably unlikely it is, no matter your age, family history, general health, just go. I feel so lucky that the cancer i have is non aggressive, it makes me sick to think that had it been, with the delays in getting it checked, i may have been in much worse shape. much worse

In da club

2010-06-18T19:50:00.001-05:00

tLast night i had the pleasure of sharing a drink and chat with a new wonderful friend and fellow breast cancer sister. We had the usual BC bondy banter about this procedure & that result, what we went through this week, what's next. We also deepened our friendship by finding out we had some mutual friends and shared austin history.

Then at some point she told me about a friend, another mom from a kid's sports team, who was recently diagnosed with cancer, she had just taken dinner to her. But this other woman has a different cancer, a rare weird cancer where they cannot determine where it started, and now, it is everywhere in her body, and all they can do is keep her going with various chemo treatments.

This made us sad, and then led us to a mutual and odd realization. We are lucky we have breast cancer. And furthermore, we two happen to be lucky to have types & stages that can be dealt with. We can just remove a boob, or a lump, one round of chemo perhaps and have a damn good chance of never dealing with it again. (pls note, i am not minimizing the ordeals & trauma of treatment & prognosis, it's as ugly & gnarly & sad as any)
AND
we have a club. We have pink, we have incredible resource centers & groups, we meet and bond and show each other scars like they were princess tiaras, we show off new 20 year old racks, we have walks & tee shirts, parties with pink drinks, cute phrases like "save the tatas" - it's really pretty fun. all that stuff. it helps. it strengthens. it affirms. it fills one up with a new love & gratitude for the experiences. it's weird.

barium breakfast of champs

2010-06-15T14:51:00.001-05:00

so this morning i drank a lovely mochachino dose of barium in prep for my CT Scan, then went to the ARA where they injected me with lovely radioactive stuff, in prep for my later bone scan.
Then i went into the CT scan where i got more stuff injected into me for contrast or something. CT scan easy, breakfast break then back for pretty easy bone scan.
Got to spend fun time with my buddy pj who makes totally inapropriate jokes, it kept me entertained and light throughout the stress

THen later today got some kick ass news. MY BRAC genetic test came back negative!! this is huge, especially for my daughter & her daughters, i'm so happy. Also the CT scan results were all clear! no cancer in the rest of my body.
Bone scan resuts tomorrow
Oncotype results the 24th
Next Oncology appointment to map out game plane with all results in - the 29th
So after that i will know what the rest of my summer will look like :)

muthereffin seesaw

2010-06-12T11:11:00.000-05:00

the roller coaster is one thing - emotional blah blah, dizzying, familiar

the seesaw - attempted balance - attempted being the word of note. otherwise the symbolic metahpor would be a scale

the hardest thing right now is dealing w my kids, i try to have more patient together time right now, and end up being zero tolerance impatient mom as their demands compete with my filledtothebrim thoughts, not fair at all i realize.

A new level of balance on top of all that i've only vaguely mastered as a single parent

searching

2010-06-08T23:42:00.000-05:00

so i have pretty much avoid googling any cancer stuff. I don't wanna over drama myself, read scenarios i can't imagine or handle. Too much info overload. worst case scenarios. stuff that's not relevant.

I did one day read some forum topics on Pink Ribbon Cowgirls and even that overwhelmed me with the terms i didn't understand and the descriptions of symptoms & side effects.

But a few weeks have gone by, i understand what MY terms mean for the most part, i decided there were a few particular & focused things i wanted to read about.
So i sat at a starbucks as my home internet was down, and typed the words breast cancer estrogen soy, got results, opened a few links in new windows and...guess what? mini public meltdown
it wasn't the subject matter or info uncovered...

I just cannot believe that these search terms relate to me, it's just unbefuckinglievable to me. it still doesn't seem possible. and it doesn't feel fair

It is at times too much to have all these thoughts and decisions, playing different scenarios playing in my head constantly as i try and do the other normal things in my life, mommying being the hardest one to do with ease.
i never knew mental fatigue like this, i'm tired even tho i sleep well

i know...more JUICE :)

listomania - blessings & thanks

2010-06-08T16:57:00.000-05:00

I love lists, so i'll just go ahead and say now that i'm gonna make lots of posts that are lists - todays is about the things and people that have blown me away

What i'm thankful for:

1. whatever it is in me that is making me not feel completely devastated and really generally happy and lucky, maybe even more so than usual. I feel pretty damn rich right now.

2. modern medical advances

3. my 5 core loves that are taking care of my heart & body & mind.

4. Daily Juice

5. Other amazing people that have either said words or done actions that mean the world to me and literlly blow me a way with their unbelievable acts.

6. Wonders & Worries http://www.wondersandworries.org

7. vegan chicken salad from wholefoods

8. My ex husband & his wife - taking this in stride and with strength despite the fact that they literally JUST traveled the same road.

9. all my new clothes, my clean house, my glittery quilt

10. and hugely, my friends who have gone or are going throught= this, and the friends i'm gonna make as i go. It's a club one may not wish they had to join, but it just may be one of the most rewarding, love filled, inpsirational & comforting.

there are a million more, the list could be endless

awaiting awaiting

2010-06-04T20:33:00.000-05:00

quicky just to bring people up to date...warning: full of facts & terms

Results of surgery & pathology:
No lympnodes involved = very very good
they were able to get clear margins - BUT it was bigger than they expected and there were a couple of lesions, these two factors are why i am having some more tests and why they have not completly decided on what the next course of action is. (they being mostly my oncologist)
not agressive
Estrogen + which is good, hormone treatments are very effective
Progesterone +
HER2 negative (i think, for some reason i'm spacing on this pretty imp info but will call monday)
Stage 2 A

What we are waiting for :
Sending "it" off to test it's Oncotype - this is a rather new test, where they can tell if a type of cancer is even responsive to chemo. if it isn't then no point going through that ordeal

BRAC test, for the genetic mutation, takes a couple of weeks

MRI - i had this yesterday, i had open MRI cos i'm so damn claustrophobic and still i took an ativan. It was easy but i was totaly exhausted all day and lets just say i shoulda had someone else drive me home

CT scan & bone density scan scheduled for the 15th - bleachhhh, i have to drink "Mochachino" flavoured barium. gag gag gag gag gag

i'm ok with this waiting - it's like having a vacay, or a chance to get stuff done, have some fun, ect...i've envisioned all the possible scenarios, played with what they look like, sometimes i decide that one is better than the other, but all in all i'm just gonna be ok with whatever it takes to be ok.

today i'm kinda sick, completely unrelated i believe, just actual sick which is totaly not fair, except that people feel even more sorry for me and therefore my kids have been swimming & playing with neighbors all day. Being a mom & sick sucks, being a single mom and sick sucks beyond belief, that's all i have to say about that. you know what i mean.

Glitter trail

2010-06-02T19:58:00.000-05:00

so this is the quintissential first blog post - tadahh! I'm calling this blog "glitter every day" after the title of my original breast cancer announcement blog post I wrote in my real estate blog RockNRealty.

I decided i did not want to make that blog my cancer blog.

Actually i don't want this to be my cancer blog, but alas for now, that is what it is.

I need a place to update friends & family, to chronicle my progress and procedures, to celebrate my victories, vent my sadness and frustrations, to immortilize the multitude of blessings i have recieved and will recieve, to express my love and thanks to my heroes & anchors that are riding this with me. It may serve in practical ways to point out date markers of appointments and stages, and it will serve in emotional ways as a release. I can't always talk, i can't always reply to everything, i sometimes feel awkward revealing the weaker moments. It's not all pretty, but sometimes it is. It'll all be here.

I'm very open about this - i welcome sharing this with whomever, i welcome phone calls and emails, i welcome offers of help, introductions to your friends who may have gone through similar sitch, and i welcome anyone who feels it, to share my stories with others.

When i wrote that first post Glitter Every Day, i really did mean it literally, i love glittery things. And somewhere in me i also felt the symbolism, but one cannot proclaim and create a symbolic image on purpose (well an ad agency can), but when i read all the comments on that blog and on facebook and in emails, i realized the full potential of of Glitter Every Day, that is how i am and how i intend to take on all this crap.

That itself is one of the first of many blessings i have discovered - one doesn't always get an opportunity to see how others view you and have viewed you for many years and it's unbelievably affirming. I'll take it!

I also will most likely not capitilize the letter i in this blog, professional schmofessional.
I may now and then post cancer stuff on RocknRealty, but mostly about events, races, fund raisers, important information, but they will lead to this space for the more personal updates.
I'm so happy that my job as a Realtor is so flexible so as to continue working at my usual level and have time and space to go to appointments, be it medical or spa pampering related (i intend to do a lot of that yippee!)
so first post over & out - read, comment, share, and be happy, that's the key to it all.
xox
Nanette