makes no sense

it just makes no sense to me whatsoever why some people die, just get struck down by this disease, and why some of us have a chance to fight and win and in so many ways an easy fucking time at it.
today a fellow Pink Ribbon Cowgirl lost her battle.
unexpected death, or an end of long suffering....hard to understand regardless

sad week for sure in Austin. Prayers, strength and a million arms of hugs for the family and loved ones of those that left us this week.

what i hate/what i love

there are still days that suck
there are amazing days

sometimes i want to list all the things i hate about being a cancer survivor, but then i feel bad because i also have a love list. so here goes

Hate:
I hate how acutely i feel the pain when i hear about a diagnosis, or read about treatments, losing hair, fear.
I hate how i cry so easy at a tiny thing
I hate how no weird pain, or feeling goes with out panic or google search.
I hate how that means i will never ever ever ever be totally relaxed about things like that
I hate how my kids have learned the lesson of "there are no guarantees" so early in life
I hate how sometimes i feel older
I hate feeling sorry for myself
I hate that i am forever changed
I hate cancer in general

Love:
I love that i am forever changed
I love how i have learned to give myself grace and space
I love how wise i have become
I love how my kids know a deeper empathy
I love well i take care of myself and love myelf
I love my doctors who care and don't care how much i call them
I love crying and feeling things to their fullest
I LOVE the sisters i have made, and the love i have received
I also really love short hair so there