no BRA day

there's some buzz on the internets about national no BRA day, i can't find much, i saw something about BRA standing for Breast Reconstruction Awareness and I can get my head around that one for sure.

Sometimes, and i know it's well meaning, with love, and a heartfelt attempt to be positive in the face of terribleness, and it diffuses the awkward for the other.... but sometimes people like to make light of the "new boobs" - like aren't you lucky you don't have to wear a bra, ooh you got a free (hahaha) boob job, and wow you got great boobs out of it...

They aren't beautiful, i'm not lucky, it wasn't free, it wasn't a boob job. I would wear a bra 24/7, look shitty in a halter, complain about 40 something year old breast feeding boobs down to my waist, all of that to have my original breasts still on my body.

Yes - there are times, when i have a kick ass dress or top with weird back, shoulder, neckline issues where i gladly discard the bra, and look awesome.  And i utter a few words of grattitude. Gratitude in all things is the key to happiness in life.  So don't get me wrong, bitterness has no place. But reality does.

On another boob note:
Last night i had a dream i had a baby, and in the dream I felt my milk come in, and somehow also in the dream i realized I couldn't breastfeed. it was kind of sad

Three Words

Today May 17, 2014 marks the day four years ago and I heard the three words.

Three words you don't want to hear, and I wonder what it feels like to have three words you don't want to say

It is with distinct clarity that I can still hear the voice and accent "you have cancer", it is with distinct clarity that I remember the world stop and the slow-motion reaction and unfolding of this reality.  It was probably just a few seconds.

I do always feel compelled to Mark this day, and to think about things. It's generally called the "cancerversary".  I'm not sad on this day and I think it's significant and a blessing that I'm at my yoga teacher training, surrounded by beautiful souls talking about deep stuff and doing the thing that brings me much joy. In fact I'm here specifically because of having had cancer, my goal is to teach other cancer survivors yoga so that they can hopefully feel the same connection to the self and to the world and to happiness that I have found. 

A couple of days ago I was feeling much more emotional about this anniversary, thinking about the impact of a life changed forever, and the lives of my loved ones change forever.  It's still a heavy emotional thought. But at the risk of the cliché, and of offending those who don't believe in the "cancer gift", I truly am in awe of how I feel today and where I am today.  

I can't even begin to express the value of the friendships and connections I've made, both  with other survivors, and just as a result of revealing my experience to any person I may meet 

My spiritual and personal growth is like a supernova. 

I still wear glitter

And I have good hair

I love you