Family, Loss, Love

This post isn't really a cancer post - but it is about grief, love, family, remembering, loss....a lot of the emotions surrounding cancer and diagnosis and stuff.

at almost 3 years since starting this, there is less to write about directly, so i have thought that i would sometimes post about other life things that don't have a place on my Real Estate blog or my Vegan blog.

So today is the birthday of my cousin Chris Davis, who died. he died a few years ago when he was only 32, a bike accident involving a car. Of course he was too young.

My uncle, his dad, likes to honor this day by having a family lunch together. Today it was at Mothers's, the place where he and Chris had their last meal together. The end of the physical parenthood. Not the bond

This is also the place I told Tony, my now ex husband, that i was pregnant with our first child Claudia, 15 years ago. The start of parenthood. The start of the bond

We looked at a binder of photos of Chris. We chatted here and there about him. At the end of the meal, Harvey spoke, thanking us, and talked about how time does ease, but how every day still hurts. And he talked about he thinks of the Sandy Hook parents. And how when you lose a kid you think about all the moments right before, and all of the things you don't get to see through to fruition.... Then he recited from memory a poem about grief and loss.

I don't know, i just was so overwhelmed with the idea that it doesn't matter the age of the kid, the loss is so deep and awful for a parent. An altering beyond my comprehension.

After Harvey's poem, my 97 year old grandmother recited a poem from memory - a poem the she felt represented Chris and the legacy he left.

I felt so warm and happy right then to be surrounded by such smart, loving, feeling people in my family.

Lovely Leah

Today I got to support a very dear old friend of mine Leah at her first Chemo appointment.
She is the first of my close friends to get diagnosed after me.

We haven't actually had a chance to hang yet, just talk on phone and text, as she lives in the country, well what I as a city girl call the country. But I really wanted to be there for this.

She is so happy and positive and upbeat I didn't even have a teary moment.  It was fun. Then i remember I always had fun at mine too.

I also was able to give her a ton of hats and scarves that I uses, as well as a ton of awesome books.

We drank smoothies from Juiceland and were kind of loud and laughy

I realize today, as I was telling leah tales, that i don't think a single day goes by that I don't have a memory from my time of treatment and recovery, or a thought about having been through it, truly, it's daily. I'm not sad, just noticing that.

BC and AC life - never the same again.

Then on the way home I listened to a podcast with Chris Brogan interviewing  Dr. Robert Brooks, who writes about resilience. I appreciate that i have that. and it is a good good thing

Leah, you are awesome, strong, resilient, beautiful and I'm glad we have each other. You inspire me!

makes no sense

it just makes no sense to me whatsoever why some people die, just get struck down by this disease, and why some of us have a chance to fight and win and in so many ways an easy fucking time at it.
today a fellow Pink Ribbon Cowgirl lost her battle.
unexpected death, or an end of long suffering....hard to understand regardless

sad week for sure in Austin. Prayers, strength and a million arms of hugs for the family and loved ones of those that left us this week.

what i hate/what i love

there are still days that suck
there are amazing days

sometimes i want to list all the things i hate about being a cancer survivor, but then i feel bad because i also have a love list. so here goes

Hate:
I hate how acutely i feel the pain when i hear about a diagnosis, or read about treatments, losing hair, fear.
I hate how i cry so easy at a tiny thing
I hate how no weird pain, or feeling goes with out panic or google search.
I hate how that means i will never ever ever ever be totally relaxed about things like that
I hate how my kids have learned the lesson of "there are no guarantees" so early in life
I hate how sometimes i feel older
I hate feeling sorry for myself
I hate that i am forever changed
I hate cancer in general

Love:
I love that i am forever changed
I love how i have learned to give myself grace and space
I love how wise i have become
I love how my kids know a deeper empathy
I love well i take care of myself and love myelf
I love my doctors who care and don't care how much i call them
I love crying and feeling things to their fullest
I LOVE the sisters i have made, and the love i have received
I also really love short hair so there

Bravery is Relative

I saw the movie Brave this past weekend, it was good! And emotional, maybe for everyone but definitely for a mom of teen girl. There of course are lots of examples of obvious bravery, fighting bears, being true to your self, admitting you are wrong. Great movie themes.
I look over at my daughter during the film and my heart spills over with the more subtle bravery i see in her, the things that have happened to us/her/me and how at that age i had experienced none of it, my life was idyllic in comparison.

This post wasn't going to start out like that (a feature i love about free form journal writing). Also, there is not enough room in a single blog post to talk about all the forms of bravery, and all the people i come across that   endure and thrive and inspire.  But this morning i was so moved by a video message from a lady i met at a cancer retreat, her ovarian cancer came back and she posted an update on treatments and status ect.... When i met her at that retreat she was one of those glowy happy filled with love people and her video today had the same vibe. It's not good, what's happening to her, but you go on and do what you do, with lipstick sometimes. Or glitter.
People always tell me i'm brave, i guess its very common to tell cancer fighters that. It's true for sure.  I could go on and on about definition of bravery. But today i just am humbled by my sweet friend, and by all the fighters, facing any challenging thing, and my daughter. I wanna be brave today in some way.  I want to fight a bear for my daughter

it's been 2 years

i had lunch today with a 12 year survivor, different cancer, but still, he's an amazing survivor, founder of the Love Hope Strength foundation. I mentioned that today was my "cancerversary", 2 years. He said it gets better, his anniv. just passed and he forgot about it till after. can you imagine?
all week i've been thinking about stuff. just running through this time 2 years ago. getting tears in my eyes a lot, distracted. Today was really really hard. I didn't expect that. i feel depressed that i don't feel all baddassy & powerful on the anniversary. I'm here aren't i.

I feel heavy with the weight of the existence of cancer.

Donna Summer died of it today.

I bought No More Tears (enough is enough) from itunes and blasted it in the car and sang.
i don't really know what category to put my feelings in today. there's the above that i mentioned. There's a mix of gratefulness, part grateful to be here, part actually grateful for how my life is as result. I have achieved some incredible things since then that i attribute to going through it, career success mainly. I love how i value things differently now. I love my sisterhood of survivors. I love the things i get to do as a survivor. I hate....i am not able to verbalize what i hate, but there's stuff i hate.

2 years ago my life was inexorably altered - that i guess sums it up. wether the residual wavelets are good or bad, is not the point.

The weight of the existence of cancer is big today

babycakes

this post isn't really about cancer - but it was in me, and i don't have another place for it.
this past weekend my kids got a brand new baby brother! no you didn't miss anything - their dad and his wife had a baby boy. She, the mama, had breast cancer too, right before me, so it's a lucky thing, this baby.
We were all excited and waiting.  I was happy to have a baby in the fam.
But i have to say when i saw that first picture of him on FB i got pangs.
Are there other emotions than the 6 obvious ones?
is nostalgia a feeling?
i don't know what it is - i cried, but i wasn't sad. I am not in love with my ex husband, i'm not jealous. I don't want another baby. but something about seeing him, knowing he's connected to my kids...
I think it's nostalgia of some sort. I loved being a baby mommy. I was a really good baby mommy. Intuitive, patient, seamless. It was a blissful time. i loved that bubble of special of being a new mom.
I loved nursing. That's weird, i can remember, sort of, the feeling of the milk letting down, the euphoric dreaminess. Knowing that i don't have those breasts anymore...maybe thats part of it. the baby symbolizes something impossible from my past. Also a simpler, more naive time, when breast cancer, single parenting, teenage kids, earning a living, n stuff weren't part of my concern.
I'm gonna love that baby like a nephew plus 1