beautiful

I just saw the film Me & Earl and the Dying Girl  - i knew that because it was about cancer that I would cry, actually anyone would cry, it's a beautifully sad movie.

But there was one scene -  and I'm only saying this as a PSA  - if you went through being bald from chemo - to bring kleenex, and go with people you feel comfy with....

you know when you lose your hair, and everyone tells you how beautiful you look, and then they go - "no really, of all people, you REALLY look so gorgeous bald, it actually suits you"... I KNOW they have to say that, i know they want you to feel ok, they want to feel ok, they want to lessen the suffering of all of us.
And in fact I must admit i've said it, and in all honesty it's kind of true a lot of the time, some women really do look amazingly beautiful when they lose their hair. Maybe it's perfect bone structure, big eyes, perfect lips, mostly it's the aura of warrior mixed with aching vulnerabilty - when i see it i know it's beautiful, it just is.
But remember how it felt? remember how ugly, tired, sad and beat down it felt? Raw, open, sick and just crappy. There were times when i donned one of my groovy scarves, piled on the glitter eye make up, pink lip gloss, dangly earings that i felt a glimmer of pretty in the mirror, but mostly it was hard to look, i remember forcing myself to look head on in the mirror and take it in.  Not easy.

The scene i'm referring to  kind of got to that part of the cancer memory cloud - I didn't expect it, but it was kind of surreal, like I wasn't hearing it or wasn't in the theater, i was back to that time. My daughter felt it, i know because i felt her hand on my arm and it helped to know that she knew i was remembering.
I didn't allow any photos of me bald, i kind of wish i had - here's a scarf one,  definitely more bearable

Really a wonderful movie - i totally reccomend you all go see it - there is so much more going on than just the cancer part

turning the sky green

this post isn't cancer related  - but seeing as i don't write that much about it these days, and seeing as i often have stuff to say, i'm gonna start posting Nanette-ness of some sort or another

anyway, this is a rant somewhat. and it's MY FEELINGS AND THOUGHTS...

I just finished wathing the documentary "Don't Follow Me - I'm Lost Too" about pretty much my fave musician ever (besides the Stones & Dylan) Bobby Bare JR.
It was good, followed him on the road, trials and tribulations, I got to hear/see my fave songs.
The road stuff is whatever, i've heard about it and seen it over the course of my semi-life long "career" of musican relationships. A whole other subject.  Which leads me to what got me riled up.
The movie ended with Bobby's then current relationship with the mother of his then 2 month old baby leaving him, and Bobby saying to the camera, that the two women, mother's of his 3 children, both left him because they wanted him to stop doing what he was doing, stop being on the road, and of course he didn't because...duh.  In his words he pointed out that he could stay in his town and have some shitty job making some shitty amount an hour, but really the point is deeper than that.

If you fall in love with a working musician, if you have a baby with him, if you marry him or not marry him, you sign up for this life.  What Bobby's chicks did happens all the time and I just don't understand it.  Surely that aspect, that creative energy, that talent, that spark that makes song writing and playing the "thing" that makes your man thrive, surely that's what you fall in love with. And i don't mean the image, i mean if you fall in love with a person, you fall in love that person and all that they are, unconditionally.  Thier essesnce. And for artists, the creating is their essence. Why woud you want  them to not be them? It's like asking your dog to please be a cat now because you are tired of having to walk them all the time.  Or wishing the sky was green because it's a way more pleasant color to you than blue.

My ex husband came home for 2 weeks when my first kid was born, two weeks, then he was gone for 4 months i think, and then for some more time, and some more. I know my situation was semi-easy in that significant money was being made and major carreer success was happening.  I realize it may be harder to take when it's all a grind and not too luxurious. But that doesn't change the scenario, in that if an artist forces themsleves to not be that, the effects of that would be squeezed out the sides like a melting ice cream sandwhich. resentment, anger, depression, sadness, disatisfaction.

I guess i have to disclaim that this may not be the case in every relationship and in every artist, and let's not even touch on peoples paranoia about "men on the road" - it happens, it doesn't happen, it's not the point of this.
I just know you have to love someone and let them be who they are, and it's not easy, and not always pretty and it doesn't always work.

below is Bobby Bare Jr and his insanely cute daughter Bella singing the song Bobby sang with his Dad when he was a kid.