beautiful

I just saw the film Me & Earl and the Dying Girl  - i knew that because it was about cancer that I would cry, actually anyone would cry, it's a beautifully sad movie.

But there was one scene -  and I'm only saying this as a PSA  - if you went through being bald from chemo - to bring kleenex, and go with people you feel comfy with....

you know when you lose your hair, and everyone tells you how beautiful you look, and then they go - "no really, of all people, you REALLY look so gorgeous bald, it actually suits you"... I KNOW they have to say that, i know they want you to feel ok, they want to feel ok, they want to lessen the suffering of all of us.
And in fact I must admit i've said it, and in all honesty it's kind of true a lot of the time, some women really do look amazingly beautiful when they lose their hair. Maybe it's perfect bone structure, big eyes, perfect lips, mostly it's the aura of warrior mixed with aching vulnerabilty - when i see it i know it's beautiful, it just is.
But remember how it felt? remember how ugly, tired, sad and beat down it felt? Raw, open, sick and just crappy. There were times when i donned one of my groovy scarves, piled on the glitter eye make up, pink lip gloss, dangly earings that i felt a glimmer of pretty in the mirror, but mostly it was hard to look, i remember forcing myself to look head on in the mirror and take it in.  Not easy.

The scene i'm referring to  kind of got to that part of the cancer memory cloud - I didn't expect it, but it was kind of surreal, like I wasn't hearing it or wasn't in the theater, i was back to that time. My daughter felt it, i know because i felt her hand on my arm and it helped to know that she knew i was remembering.
I didn't allow any photos of me bald, i kind of wish i had - here's a scarf one,  definitely more bearable

Really a wonderful movie - i totally reccomend you all go see it - there is so much more going on than just the cancer part