i blame tamoxifen

yay, just spent the evening googling tamoxifen + various words - not really a thrilling way to spend an evening.
I've decided today that i blame tamoxifen for running being hard, for my hips feeling like an old lady's, for my legs like logs, for my inability to lose weight, for being too tired to clean my house, for forgetting stuff
4 years 3.5 months left of taking it

my friend said that i still could be having chemo and anesthesia affects in my body.
i also could be 43

i will keep on truckin
and i'm glad i have it in my arsenal

oh, i just had a hot flash while typing just in case i forgot i was on tamoxifen

Dear Boobs

today is the year anniversary of my mastectomy - i feel mostly fine but when i type that my eyes well up. i'm not sad sad, i'm emotional, and i can't beleive there was a day like that one year ago.
I remember goofing around pre surgery in my gown with my friend Kati. Then when the IV was put in and they started the drugs, i broke down, i finally thought the thought, this is the last day of this life i knew, the boobs i was born with, the boobs that fed my babies, the ones i recognized. I had zero, ZERO idea of what my life would be like a few hours from then.

it was fucking hard the next few weeks recovering, but i also look back at it as one of my favorite times of my life. fuzzy & cozy & so full of love from my peeps. i felt erased somehow, that's not really right, i still felt my old life but i felt a definite division, the past didn't matter and i was a new person, anew. it was oddly freeing. it started a phase that continues where i give less of a shit about the little things. and i know what i can go through, and deal with.

now i'm suprisingly well, i like my new boobs well enough, they certainly look great in clothes, scars ect are on their way to being faded and part of my norm. I still often avoid looking at myself fully, it's like looking past that person in the store you sorta know but dont' want to catch their eye.

 I don't often miss the old me, i decided a long time ago, when i got divorced, that there was no point hanging on to stuff you couldn't change. non attachment. vairagya in Sanskrit, I also draw on the notion of Santosha - contentment, my fav sanskrit word and a guiding principal of yoga philosophy.

Clearly it saved my life to lose them.

I'm having a great year

Little Success - 3 mile run!

this morning i ran 3 miles at the hike & bike trail without any walk breaks for the first time since before cancer - 5 days before the year mark since my mastectomy. I really almost cried, both from the relief of the agony AND from the milestone significance. It felt almost as big as crossing my first half marathon finish line over 3 years ago. I'm planning on running a half marathon in October - The See Jane Run half (look it up, sign up, JOIN ME!) but this time i'm not signing up for an official training group. I'm gonna follow a 10 week training from Runner's World Magazine and get tips from my former running coach Joey, which is really just an exuse to meet for smoothies & talk about running.

I ran slow, probably 12 minute miles, it was hard, my legs hurt, but i know that if i could just do it one time, the first time, that then my body would know i could do it, and then the rest of the times would be cake. I started from scratch the last time too, although i was younger and i hadn't been thru the cancer wringer.
thoughts that got me thru it:
- writing this post & tweeting it
- the feeling of the finish line
 - being a cancer bad ass role model
- the tee shirt i want to design & wear at the race (see end of post)
- losing 15 lbs & wearing a running dress that i'm obsessed with
 - listening to music from the 90s & remembering how much fun i had being young & energetic & wanting that feeling
 - making my mom proud, & my kids
 - and finally the good old "just do it" philosophy

oh, about the tee shirt, i'd really like to get a custom tech tee in pink that says "fuck cancer" but i don't  want to offend people, maybe "F U Cancer"? any other thoughts? I want max impact in your face simple.

also, i want to thank my twitter friends who happen to catch & congratulated my braggy tweet this morning - i want you ALL to know that it all means a lot to me and makes me feel so good. If you ever wonder wether to tweet back to someone a hug or a congrats or a kind word even if you don't know that person - DO IT - it matters, i discovered that big time on this journey

thanks:
@jasoncrouch
@amberdemure
@trophyboutique
@k_mccasland
@CindyRoyal
@1queenofspoons
@awstn_jglo
@urbanbetty
@jacquelinesLife
@HaleyOdom
@TylerJordin
@not_mommy

ok, let's hope i didn't peak today :)

New Ink

but not a piece of art unfortunately

yesterday i had the nipple tattooing - OUCH

it's cool that it's really the "last step" in the reconstruction process besides any touch ups in a few weeks. But i've noticed that i am wimpier with pain now, rather than being used to it, it's the opposite, i feel much more fragile about it.
ALSO - i realized that i now that i feel pretty normal and strong and myself i didn't even consider asking anyone to go with me yesterday, just didn't think it necessary, but going to bed the night before i suddenly wished i had. I need to remember that i can always always use the support of my loves

I owe a very belated birthday post from a month ago!!

Milk + Honey Mommy Makeover

The Lovely Austin spa Milk + Honey had a mother's day makeover contest for mother's day. My own sweet mother KNOWS how much i love spa stuff and especially Milk + Honey - so she entered me, told my story of the past year and why i deserved to win - and i did!! They had 2 winners, one for the downtown location (this is the one i usually go to for massages with Paul), and one for the Hill Country Galleria - which i won.
I'm kind of glad i won that location - i imagined it would feel more like a getaway escape day!

It really was.

here was my day:

Facial with Shayna - dreamy, relaxing, i loved it

Manicure with Adrienne - she encouraged me to pick a hot hot electric pink. super fun and it lasted ages.

Then Hair Color AND cut AND makeup application with teh fab Jessica M - she was so awesome how she explained ways to style my hair now that it's so short AND wavy, different then before chemo. She also explained how some of the hair styles i had pictures of were different in terms of growth & length and how i can goal towards them.  I'm sort of protective of my hair length, i like it short, but i want it a bit longer, so even tho i needed a trim i didn't want to cut it too much.
I also got a goody bag with some shampoo, condish, and makeup

I loved it all, and i loved just being away from my usual daily schtuff and being pampered.

"before" puffy unruly hair & chipped nails!

"After" - my daughter called my nails "jersey shore" humph

Thank you Milk + Honey people (chance & summer & all of you) for picking me!! I will forever go there.

A Year Ago

today is one year anniversary of the day i got my breast cancer diagnosis. I guess i have been aware of the upcoming date, i guess i also knew i would write a post. but my mind was blank as to how i felt, or imagined i would feel.
I'm happy i'm well, i'm happy i'm here a year later, i'm happy my life is pretty intact, my kids, my work, my people. I'm happy i'm making summer plans, Disney World -  even 2012 plans (Broadway Accross America tix!)
Sometimes i only allow myself to think superficially about everything.

I distinctly remember the friday before - i said to my boyfriend "i don't want my life to change on Monday" and then it did
I remember "before" getting accupuncture, talking to peopel.
of course i remember the fucking phone call
I sorta remember calling my mom
I remember telling my kids with the help of my Elizabeth
hmmm actually i remember a lot.
but looking back the part that's so different from now is that looking forward with clarity.
the unknown of a year ago today was the worst part. i couldn't make a single plan, except surgury dates & dr appointment, i couldn't envision what i would look like or feel like at any future point

i guess i feel sad today and also happy
i feel so thankful for all the people that took care of me.
and all the people that gave me gifts or came over with food or cleaning. You know, sometimes i don't even remember all the people, and it will suddenly hit me that so and so came over or called or sent something.
i swear i'm gonna buy a stack of thank you cards soon and write down a list of everyone

i feel sorry for myself for having had that year
i feel proud of myself for getting through it
I feel sad that my life, and my kid's life has changed so much
i feel happy that i've had the opportunity to grow through something like this and have my life enhanced by the experiences and the people.
i feel very tired
i feel lucky
i feel amazed
i feel strong
i feel hopeful
i could write all night about how i feel
i guess i don't really have a nice wrap up - i will always remember this anniversary with some melancholy & some hell yeah i kick ass as well.

Unicorn Tears

My son is so sweet it's crazy  - for mother's day he drew me this picture - it's of a unicorn - i love unicorns, and the unicorn has a tear dripping on me because unicorn tears have magical healing powers. It's almost too much to take.  But then he gave me a book of poetry he wrote and that really sent me over the edge i'm going to copy the most amazing one here.

                                                                
Inside My Mom
Inside my mom is the power of a butterfly.
She can fly and spread love.
Her big wings protect me.
She sucks up paparazzi with her beauty

Inside my mom are unicorns healing her when she is hurt
Inside my mom is time for fun.
Inside my mom are pans full of Indian food
Inside and outside my mom is beauty
My mom is good, great, and best,
She is fun, playful, and crazy.
Inside my mom is my mom.