goodbye 2010

i kind of hate blaming a year, or thinking that things will be different because of a calendar. each day is a day to make it ours. nonetheless the new year is the ultmate time marker. and symbol of new hopes.
Tomorrow i write out my year goals, with my dear friend, in our matching wizard of oz journals, eating black eyed peas & greens, just like we did last year. I feel a bit more tentative and anxious. Last year i had strong motivatins, clear goals, wishes, plans. And the first part of the year seemed to be going as planned. And then i got breast cancer. not in the plan. it feels a bit scarier now. part of me has that - fuck last year, THIS year will rule, i'm gonna kick ass and then some to make up for it - feeling. another part of me has that - what's the point of planning when you have no control over what the eff happens in life - feeling. scary. everything is harder than it used to be. motivation & hope are a littl bit harder to find.

I am waiting till the moment to see what comes out onto my paper - Guess which one will probably win :)


update: i had my replacement surgery Dec 14th, it's been a bit rough. about 5 days after i started a fever and one side had several red patches. Got new strong antibiotics. Seemed to feel better after a couple of days, finshed the antibiotics. Then again a couple a days later one area got really red again and painful. So now i'm on antibiotics again. I am feeling a bit better just discouraged and reall really tired of not feeling great.
In other news, my hair is growing pretty nicely - i am so over scarves i'm not wearing them anymore, but it's too short for me to just wear out so i'm wearing a cute hat these days. Oh an my eyebrows are back already.

...she never stumbles

i feel like on this day i should post about how grateful i am for how far i've come and all the blessings i have, and i really do feel that, truly i do.  but i feel stuck in a bit of a self pity rut of how hard everything is. I don't enjoy it, it's not my style really. but here i sit, thinking how lucky everyone else is and feeling lacking in things, coping skills, easy buttons, glitter...

welp, i will do something that always reminds me of who i am, and how i reallyfeel, listen to Dylan. It's like he gets me to just be in the exact moment of the moment  - that's all we have. It's like getting to the roots of me. it is, a Dylan album was the first album i ever heard in my life.

so i give you all this song to hear - i just listened to it about 8 times in a row and remembered who i am & i feel a little more adjusted :)  "she's got everything she needs she's an artist she don't look back..."


PS i promise in a day or two i will give a physical update xxxxxooo - n

since we are on the subject of boobs

I can honestly say that for the majority of my life i have not given much thought to boob size & it's impact or effect on things, except in maybe a humorous manner. Or a Dolly Parton reference. I certainly never desired a boob increse to improve my life in anyway, my winning personality and happy smile are enough right?
hmmmmm, where the hell have i been??? 

Example 1:
when i first started getting my boob expanders filled, i asked my darling plastic surgeon how many times he thought i should come in for expansions....his answer "How many houses to you want to sell?" - Good Point! I may end up writing a blog post one day titled "How Breast Cancer Improved my Career" I LOVE my plastic surgeon by the way.

Example 2:
One day after an expansion appointment, i asked my 12 year old daughter what she thought of the size, and should i get more...her answer "they look great of course you should get more - you will just have to walk out the door and you will get a boyfriend!" - well then, clearly i could have made my life easier YEARS ago  - methinks i may have to work on that strategy with her a little....

been a while....need more glitter

wow, so it's been a month ish that i've written here. I guess it's been a pretty rough month and i didn't feel like whine writing. sometimes it helps but sometimes it gets on my own nerves to hear me.

it's been a rough month for a number of reasons. i think a lot has to do emotionaly with a coming down of sorts from the drama of surgury & chemo. now it's past, life is getting back to normal, except it's not.

I started Tamoxifen - that could have a lot to do with it. it can cause emotional shit & depression. I thought i was weepy before?? it sucks

I've finished getting the expanders expanded, but the last three were super painful & uncomfortable, shockingly so. No as I await surgery the pain is gone but they are still ridic uncomfortable. I don't know how to dress even sometimes.

Finances have been a strain - in real estate you have to be always working a few months ahead to keep it steady, screeching to a halt this summer is still affecting me. Working my ass off now. Loving it but disheartening for earnings not to be reliable like a job job

I want my head hear to be more normal, it is growing back tho, but i can see how slow it's gonna be, i'm ready for the Ellen do.
And this today, i noticed that my eybrows are now falling out. 6 weeks since my last chemo!!!???  seems unfair. I'm patching together normalness, this feels like a set back.

ok purged. done. I am not great at wallowing. don't worry, i have cried a ton. I just know that if i get too caught up in the sad i won't move forward somewhere. I have to work, i have to be a good mom, i have to make money and i like those things, so i don't want to mess them up.
I will go to Sephora this weekend and ask a girl or guy there to help, and i will purchase some excellent brow product no matter how much it costs.  Maybe i need a new glitter eyeliner to remind me?

PS - my replacemnt surgery is December 14th - for you lay people - that's new boob surgery. yahooooooo