goodbye 2010

i kind of hate blaming a year, or thinking that things will be different because of a calendar. each day is a day to make it ours. nonetheless the new year is the ultmate time marker. and symbol of new hopes.
Tomorrow i write out my year goals, with my dear friend, in our matching wizard of oz journals, eating black eyed peas & greens, just like we did last year. I feel a bit more tentative and anxious. Last year i had strong motivatins, clear goals, wishes, plans. And the first part of the year seemed to be going as planned. And then i got breast cancer. not in the plan. it feels a bit scarier now. part of me has that - fuck last year, THIS year will rule, i'm gonna kick ass and then some to make up for it - feeling. another part of me has that - what's the point of planning when you have no control over what the eff happens in life - feeling. scary. everything is harder than it used to be. motivation & hope are a littl bit harder to find.

I am waiting till the moment to see what comes out onto my paper - Guess which one will probably win :)


update: i had my replacement surgery Dec 14th, it's been a bit rough. about 5 days after i started a fever and one side had several red patches. Got new strong antibiotics. Seemed to feel better after a couple of days, finshed the antibiotics. Then again a couple a days later one area got really red again and painful. So now i'm on antibiotics again. I am feeling a bit better just discouraged and reall really tired of not feeling great.
In other news, my hair is growing pretty nicely - i am so over scarves i'm not wearing them anymore, but it's too short for me to just wear out so i'm wearing a cute hat these days. Oh an my eyebrows are back already.