yeah so last weeks feelings got a chance to max out....
those feelings of realizing my life is now like "this" and not how it was, merely because i have had cancer. it's frustrating.
so, i was at a pre-op appointment at my plastic surgeon (i'm getting the final "real girl" addition to the reconstruction process) and i was complaining about pain and tighntes on my chest, pec muscles sort of, above the left breast. I figured it was a result of surgery recovery, that was the jacked up side. The side that had cancer, 2 surgeries, lymphnodes ect...
So Dr H feels around and says, something like "yeah you oughta get that checkd out"
I'm like, oncologist checked out checked out? yep. fuck.
i mad an appointment for tuesday, today. so i basically spent almost a week worrying. Dr K was not worried. No scans ordered, proceed as normal life.
but jeeze, this is it, this is how it is now. I will be nervous and SHOULD be nervous about anything out of the ordinary.
Of course i'm glad it was nothing. i'm more than glad. i'm thrilled, releived, grateful ect.. But im ANGRY that this is how my life is, with an element of fear & doubt at all times.
back to being crazysexygirl and conentrating on the happy
oh yeah, i wore glitter eyeliner to the doc
ok, moving on, my surgery is April 28th - should be a piece o cake. after that, the final step of tattoos.
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I'm so glad they aren't worried. But sorry you had to live a WEEK in worry.
ReplyDeleteKeep rocking that glitter, sister.
There is nothing more frustrating than finding a "new normal." We need to have lunch so I can tell you my journey through a new normal at the ripe old age of 19......and again at 24. Just remember that no matter what new normal you find, it will still include the fabulous, awesome, glittery you!!
ReplyDeletethanks ladies!! :)
ReplyDeleteWhat. Jess. Said.
ReplyDelete..sending gentle-but-supportive (((hugs))) while you transition through this phase of it all.
We'll celebrate you today!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad it turned out okay.
ReplyDeleteAnd keep being the crazysexygirl - don't let anything slow you down now!
Glad it turned out to be nothing! I say try not to worry if the doc isn't worried, but I know it's easier said than done... Love you! I can take the 28th off work if you need anything -lemme know! :)
ReplyDeleteWorry is destructive, evil stuff. I'm not saying this is easy - in fact it's just about the hardest damn thing to do - but turn it off if you can. You're an incredibly beautiful, resilient woman. You don't deserve to have your remarkable energy wasted on worry.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you had to worry - but soooo happy it was nothing! I second everything that LUSH said! Let me know when you wanna hula hoop!
ReplyDeleteGlad it turned out to be okay! That totally sucks, though! I'd be in their office all the time worried! You are so amazingly strong! I'll be thinking about you on the 28th!!!
ReplyDelete