Monday, July 11, 2011

i blame tamoxifen

yay, just spent the evening googling tamoxifen + various words - not really a thrilling way to spend an evening.
I've decided today that i blame tamoxifen for running being hard, for my hips feeling like an old lady's, for my legs like logs, for my inability to lose weight, for being too tired to clean my house, for forgetting stuff
4 years 3.5 months left of taking it

my friend said that i still could be having chemo and anesthesia affects in my body.
i also could be 43

i will keep on truckin
and i'm glad i have it in my arsenal

oh, i just had a hot flash while typing just in case i forgot i was on tamoxifen

Saturday, July 9, 2011

Dear Boobs

today is the year anniversary of my mastectomy - i feel mostly fine but when i type that my eyes well up. i'm not sad sad, i'm emotional, and i can't beleive there was a day like that one year ago.
I remember goofing around pre surgery in my gown with my friend Kati. Then when the IV was put in and they started the drugs, i broke down, i finally thought the thought, this is the last day of this life i knew, the boobs i was born with, the boobs that fed my babies, the ones i recognized. I had zero, ZERO idea of what my life would be like a few hours from then.

it was fucking hard the next few weeks recovering, but i also look back at it as one of my favorite times of my life. fuzzy & cozy & so full of love from my peeps. i felt erased somehow, that's not really right, i still felt my old life but i felt a definite division, the past didn't matter and i was a new person, anew. it was oddly freeing. it started a phase that continues where i give less of a shit about the little things. and i know what i can go through, and deal with.

now i'm suprisingly well, i like my new boobs well enough, they certainly look great in clothes, scars ect are on their way to being faded and part of my norm. I still often avoid looking at myself fully, it's like looking past that person in the store you sorta know but dont' want to catch their eye.

 I don't often miss the old me, i decided a long time ago, when i got divorced, that there was no point hanging on to stuff you couldn't change. non attachment. vairagya in Sanskrit, I also draw on the notion of Santosha - contentment, my fav sanskrit word and a guiding principal of yoga philosophy.

Clearly it saved my life to lose them.

I'm having a great year

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Little Success - 3 mile run!

this morning i ran 3 miles at the hike & bike trail without any walk breaks for the first time since before cancer - 5 days before the year mark since my mastectomy. I really almost cried, both from the relief of the agony AND from the milestone significance. It felt almost as big as crossing my first half marathon finish line over 3 years ago. I'm planning on running a half marathon in October - The See Jane Run half (look it up, sign up, JOIN ME!) but this time i'm not signing up for an official training group. I'm gonna follow a 10 week training from Runner's World Magazine and get tips from my former running coach Joey, which is really just an exuse to meet for smoothies & talk about running.

I ran slow, probably 12 minute miles, it was hard, my legs hurt, but i know that if i could just do it one time, the first time, that then my body would know i could do it, and then the rest of the times would be cake. I started from scratch the last time too, although i was younger and i hadn't been thru the cancer wringer.
thoughts that got me thru it:
- writing this post & tweeting it
- the feeling of the finish line
 - being a cancer bad ass role model
- the tee shirt i want to design & wear at the race (see end of post)
- losing 15 lbs & wearing a running dress that i'm obsessed with
 - listening to music from the 90s & remembering how much fun i had being young & energetic & wanting that feeling
 - making my mom proud, & my kids
 - and finally the good old "just do it" philosophy

oh, about the tee shirt, i'd really like to get a custom tech tee in pink that says "fuck cancer" but i don't  want to offend people, maybe "F U Cancer"? any other thoughts? I want max impact in your face simple.

also, i want to thank my twitter friends who happen to catch & congratulated my braggy tweet this morning - i want you ALL to know that it all means a lot to me and makes me feel so good. If you ever wonder wether to tweet back to someone a hug or a congrats or a kind word even if you don't know that person - DO IT - it matters, i discovered that big time on this journey


ok, let's hope i didn't peak today :)