Wednesday, January 18, 2012


this post isn't really about cancer - but it was in me, and i don't have another place for it.
this past weekend my kids got a brand new baby brother! no you didn't miss anything - their dad and his wife had a baby boy. She, the mama, had breast cancer too, right before me, so it's a lucky thing, this baby.
We were all excited and waiting.  I was happy to have a baby in the fam.
But i have to say when i saw that first picture of him on FB i got pangs.
Are there other emotions than the 6 obvious ones?
is nostalgia a feeling?
i don't know what it is - i cried, but i wasn't sad. I am not in love with my ex husband, i'm not jealous. I don't want another baby. but something about seeing him, knowing he's connected to my kids...
I think it's nostalgia of some sort. I loved being a baby mommy. I was a really good baby mommy. Intuitive, patient, seamless. It was a blissful time. i loved that bubble of special of being a new mom.
I loved nursing. That's weird, i can remember, sort of, the feeling of the milk letting down, the euphoric dreaminess. Knowing that i don't have those breasts anymore...maybe thats part of it. the baby symbolizes something impossible from my past. Also a simpler, more naive time, when breast cancer, single parenting, teenage kids, earning a living, n stuff weren't part of my concern.
I'm gonna love that baby like a nephew plus 1

Monday, January 2, 2012

Crazy sexy lessons and HAPPY new year!

So as you may or may not know, I am a Kris Carr groupie. She could be in my glitter unicorn club if I knew her in real life she's that groovy.

Today i read a post of hers on her website, a timely post. I found it as I sat down with my main Unicorn, Beth to do our yearly new years ritual of vegan chili dogs and goal setting. Not just work and resolutiony stuff, but everything, we brainstorm and write in our Wizard of Oz journals all the things that make us happy, that we want to do or have or achieve, so you will see why a post titled "10 things I learned from people who survive cancer" is relevant. I read it out loud as an inspiration for us and had a hard time not crying. (the link is below) - I am that, I have become and done the things on that list -  well except for the bungee jumping shit, I will never do that. But I am and do all those things. And honestly I didn't before cancer. And it's a gift , it really is, i know gift is a touchy word among cancer survivors, yet i don't know a better way to describe the positives that have resulted since going through it all.  But these lessons are for everyone. Just do it, prioritize joy, now!
One of the first things I thought this morning knowing I was going to be powwowing with beth tonight, was that my leading word of the year was HAPPY. Happy is the underlying motivation for all I do and all I hope to achieve. I hope it sprinkles on all of you like glitter.

Here my friends is the post, read It and be happy.