babycakes

this post isn't really about cancer - but it was in me, and i don't have another place for it.
this past weekend my kids got a brand new baby brother! no you didn't miss anything - their dad and his wife had a baby boy. She, the mama, had breast cancer too, right before me, so it's a lucky thing, this baby.
We were all excited and waiting.  I was happy to have a baby in the fam.
But i have to say when i saw that first picture of him on FB i got pangs.
Are there other emotions than the 6 obvious ones?
is nostalgia a feeling?
i don't know what it is - i cried, but i wasn't sad. I am not in love with my ex husband, i'm not jealous. I don't want another baby. but something about seeing him, knowing he's connected to my kids...
I think it's nostalgia of some sort. I loved being a baby mommy. I was a really good baby mommy. Intuitive, patient, seamless. It was a blissful time. i loved that bubble of special of being a new mom.
I loved nursing. That's weird, i can remember, sort of, the feeling of the milk letting down, the euphoric dreaminess. Knowing that i don't have those breasts anymore...maybe thats part of it. the baby symbolizes something impossible from my past. Also a simpler, more naive time, when breast cancer, single parenting, teenage kids, earning a living, n stuff weren't part of my concern.
I'm gonna love that baby like a nephew plus 1

Crazy sexy lessons and HAPPY new year!

So as you may or may not know, I am a Kris Carr groupie. She could be in my glitter unicorn club if I knew her in real life she's that groovy.

Today i read a post of hers on her website, a timely post. I found it as I sat down with my main Unicorn, Beth to do our yearly new years ritual of vegan chili dogs and goal setting. Not just work and resolutiony stuff, but everything, we brainstorm and write in our Wizard of Oz journals all the things that make us happy, that we want to do or have or achieve, so you will see why a post titled "10 things I learned from people who survive cancer" is relevant. I read it out loud as an inspiration for us and had a hard time not crying. (the link is below) - I am that, I have become and done the things on that list -  well except for the bungee jumping shit, I will never do that. But I am and do all those things. And honestly I didn't before cancer. And it's a gift , it really is, i know gift is a touchy word among cancer survivors, yet i don't know a better way to describe the positives that have resulted since going through it all.  But these lessons are for everyone. Just do it, prioritize joy, now!
One of the first things I thought this morning knowing I was going to be powwowing with beth tonight, was that my leading word of the year was HAPPY. Happy is the underlying motivation for all I do and all I hope to achieve. I hope it sprinkles on all of you like glitter.

Here my friends is the post, read It and be happy.

10 THINGS I LEARNED FROM PEOPLE WHO SURVIVE CANCER

I'm sexy & i know it

yeah that's a provocotive title
and a questionable song
my daughter hates it
i love it - much to my daughter's chagrin
it actually is one of my tear trigger songs

really this post is about Zumba
I have been taking a Zumba class at the YMCA downtown with a teacher named Nikki.
Nikki is the bomb

actually this post is about how amazing Zumba makes me feel and how i think that it is a freakin fanatstic excercise for breast cancer survivors.

reasons:
it's FUN - and after all that shit it's really fun to just have fun
it gets you moving in fluid ways - ways that really open up and move the areas affected by surgeries.
but more than anything - it makes you feel sexy
that's so incredibly important after having gone through something that challenges that aspect of yourself so profoundly. 
I think i have spent a majority of my life reserved in my physical body, not totally free. self concious.
After treatment - i feel both more reserved - yet also more not giving a shit about small stuff. So the reservations are shedding.
Class means i do that cliche "dance like no one is watching" - yet i'm in a room full of other women (and men) of all ages, shapes & sizes, all shaking our booties and shimmying our shoulders, channeling shakira. everyone is smiling, you can't help it.  It's truly one of the most liberating and happifying things i've done in a long time
I don't know if all classes are like this, i have a feeling that Nikki's choreography, song choices & enthusiastic energy make some magical concoction
So back to that song - when we dance to that song - i get a little emo - cos yeah, it's the truth, and it's the truth for every lady in there. i feel hot, sassy & strong. I don't care what i look like, i feel like that. 
Nikki's Zumba classes are therapy. physical & emotional. pure joy!

(i'm pretty passionate about excercise during and post treatments - it's like a new journey in learning about my body, what works, what i can do, what i can't do, what is really beneficial - i have more thoughts on this, i think i will turn them into further blog posts)

help magnet

so a thing that happens now - and i asked the universe for it actually - is that when somone's friend, family member, neighbor, or self gets a cancer diagnosis, they tell me about it and/or ask me for some advice or support. Whenever i open that email and see the first sentence, my heart both sinks & soars.

The sinking: why?? why more people? why that person? sad, dread, sad. My mind jumps clearly & swiftly back to my beginning time of fear & confusion an my heart breaks. I usually cry

The soaring: maybe i can give back, support someone else, guide someone to the right path for help.

I want this to happen. even when it's kind of harsh. So bring it on.  I'm one of the lucky ones.

4th Graders Rule

I soooo wish i had taken a picture! i need to be more diligent with my camera

On Friday I spoke to my son's 4th Grade class about my experience with breast cancer as part of awareness month. The do an amazing job at that school with it - spearheaded by a male 4th grade teacher there. The kids were all wearing pink and/or had little pink ribbon stickers on their shirts, some funky chickens were wearing the stickers on their  foreheads.

The focus, or how my kid's teacher was tying it all in was about the importance and advancements of modern medicine.

I totally offered to do this but then was so nervous. Not sure how much is appropriate, how much they know, worried about scaring them, or introducing heavy concepts....I'm so open with my own kids about the nitty gritty, but that's because they live it and live with me.

my son was a little worried about it - but when i got there and was up front, he looked very happy and proud, that's a huge part of why i do this stuff

I was relieved to hear that they had prepared questions....
So i pretty much let them open it up and wow, those are some intelligent thoughtful kids! They asked great questions. I noticed that the majority of question were about emotions and feelings "was it stressfull?" "were you scared?", "what were you most scared of?", "how did you feel when you first found out" - amazing

I think an important message i conveyed was that i was scared when i first found out, and that what i was scared of was the unknown - and the truly once i learned more, and had a plan, and trusted my fab doctors, much of the fear was gone. The teacher related that concept to the children by talking about new math concepts being scary until you understand them :)

I also explained a little about why chemo makes your hair fall out, that question was asked, i touched on the physical limitations during treatments, and we talked about how early detection is important and how with that and new medicines i am healthy now.

I was really glad they didn't ask if i was scared of getting cancer again, or if that was even a possibility...my son already knows the realities of cancer including that one, and i just couldn't bear to introduce that lack of truly knowing to the whole group - it's a fine line....

markers of time

tonight i went to back to school night at my daughter's middle school. She's in 8th grade so it's the last year. I went with excitment, i know weird, and i had actualy fun. superweird.
but there's a significance behind that attitude. 3 years ago for 6th grade, i didn't attend, i thought of it as an inconvenient pain in the ass. Find child care to attend, mingle with parents i didn't know, blah blah blah blah.
For 7th grade last year, i was undergoing chemo, a good excuse to miss this time! but yeah, i remember feeling exhausted, and probably was losing hair, to much to deal with.
So this year i was so  happy to go! happy to be different, happy to be in a different place, happy to be happy!
then later tonight, on facebook, you know how they have those new side bars that have your status update from a year ago? well mine this day a year ago was about how shaving my head was so hard
brought back a flood FLOOD of memories and emotions. and just brought home the difference a year makes

glamorous

it's been a whirlwind of late - so many little moments, big revalations, lofty plans & tiny successes

I went on a crazy road trip to Utah, Park City, Deer Valley Resort to be precise. My friend needed someone to help work at an expo, repping triathalon gear. It's party of my new happiness to choose things out of my ordinary. It worked out with kid & work so off i went in a GMC pick up to parts unknown. It was incredible. My friend Joey & I got on so perfectly, we had totally compatible traveling style. The scenery to park city was breathtaking. Park City itself is my new fav place on the planet - even more so in summer. I have zero desire to ever ski so visiting places like this is usually unlikely, but i have always wanted to.
I had no idea it was a mountain biking haven in the summer. The expo was really all about bikes, retailers came to check out the brands, literally, they checked out bikes all day and rode them up and down mountains. Joey & I talked about our best wetsuits ever - Rocket Science Sports - google it - cool story.
I didn't ride a single bike, but i did ride a ski lift! one of my biggest fears. and i love it!
Joey's influence, and that of all the groovy athletic people at the scene have inspired me. I'm "not ruling out" Iron Man in my 5 year plan. Do you think i'm nuts?
I don't swim or ride. hahaha - working on changing that now. little by little

I took a zumba class, that was fun as hell, but at some point that song "I will Survive" came on, and i had a hard time not crying, i know it's not about surviving cancer, but the words in general have a powerful passion. I never know when it's gonna strike me. Like the other day when i went to my doctor for a yearly check up. That set me off in a few ways, one the last time i saw that dr was when my mammogram was ordered, s last time i was there, was the last time my life was normal. Also it's all up in the same place as my surgeries, so odd how it makes me feel just being around there.

my hair is growing so slowly i lovehate it. but the other day at the pool a lady told me i looked glamorous and asked me where i get my hair cut. That made my damn day. So nice to hear when i feel about as sexy as a flower pot with this hair.

ok this is a rambler, just been so long since i posted i felt i needed to chat about stuff