Saturday, August 4, 2012

what i hate/what i love

there are still days that suck
there are amazing days

sometimes i want to list all the things i hate about being a cancer survivor, but then i feel bad because i also have a love list. so here goes

I hate how acutely i feel the pain when i hear about a diagnosis, or read about treatments, losing hair, fear.
I hate how i cry so easy at a tiny thing
I hate how no weird pain, or feeling goes with out panic or google search.
I hate how that means i will never ever ever ever be totally relaxed about things like that
I hate how my kids have learned the lesson of "there are no guarantees" so early in life
I hate how sometimes i feel older
I hate feeling sorry for myself
I hate that i am forever changed
I hate cancer in general

I love that i am forever changed
I love how i have learned to give myself grace and space
I love how wise i have become
I love how my kids know a deeper empathy
I love well i take care of myself and love myelf
I love my doctors who care and don't care how much i call them
I love crying and feeling things to their fullest
I LOVE the sisters i have made, and the love i have received
I also really love short hair so there


  1. Nanette, I love how you made a list. I hope I can lessen the google searches for many moving forward. Thanks for sharing you!! xoxoxo, Christine

  2. Great list! I love how well you can express yourself, and how I get to see a teeny tiny glimpse into your life and your heart as a survivor! May your days be filled with lots and lots of glitter!!!

  3. Wow, I just found your blog today through Greenling. I was diagnosed with lung cancer just a few months after your diagnosis. It was nice to read this list and really identify with it since we are both 2 years out and dealing with the aftermath of sorts. Everyone around me has me back in their mind but I'm still waiting for who I was to return and coming to grips with the fact that she is gone and I'm trying to get to know this new version of me. Version 3.0. Thanks for putting this out there for us to read!