Thursday, August 16, 2012

makes no sense

it just makes no sense to me whatsoever why some people die, just get struck down by this disease, and why some of us have a chance to fight and win and in so many ways an easy fucking time at it.
today a fellow Pink Ribbon Cowgirl lost her battle.
unexpected death, or an end of long suffering....hard to understand regardless

sad week for sure in Austin. Prayers, strength and a million arms of hugs for the family and loved ones of those that left us this week.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

what i hate/what i love

there are still days that suck
there are amazing days

sometimes i want to list all the things i hate about being a cancer survivor, but then i feel bad because i also have a love list. so here goes

I hate how acutely i feel the pain when i hear about a diagnosis, or read about treatments, losing hair, fear.
I hate how i cry so easy at a tiny thing
I hate how no weird pain, or feeling goes with out panic or google search.
I hate how that means i will never ever ever ever be totally relaxed about things like that
I hate how my kids have learned the lesson of "there are no guarantees" so early in life
I hate how sometimes i feel older
I hate feeling sorry for myself
I hate that i am forever changed
I hate cancer in general

I love that i am forever changed
I love how i have learned to give myself grace and space
I love how wise i have become
I love how my kids know a deeper empathy
I love well i take care of myself and love myelf
I love my doctors who care and don't care how much i call them
I love crying and feeling things to their fullest
I LOVE the sisters i have made, and the love i have received
I also really love short hair so there