Thursday, May 17, 2012

it's been 2 years

i had lunch today with a 12 year survivor, different cancer, but still, he's an amazing survivor, founder of the Love Hope Strength foundation. I mentioned that today was my "cancerversary", 2 years. He said it gets better, his anniv. just passed and he forgot about it till after. can you imagine?
all week i've been thinking about stuff. just running through this time 2 years ago. getting tears in my eyes a lot, distracted. Today was really really hard. I didn't expect that. i feel depressed that i don't feel all baddassy & powerful on the anniversary. I'm here aren't i.

I feel heavy with the weight of the existence of cancer.

Donna Summer died of it today.

I bought No More Tears (enough is enough) from itunes and blasted it in the car and sang.
i don't really know what category to put my feelings in today. there's the above that i mentioned. There's a mix of gratefulness, part grateful to be here, part actually grateful for how my life is as result. I have achieved some incredible things since then that i attribute to going through it, career success mainly. I love how i value things differently now. I love my sisterhood of survivors. I love the things i get to do as a survivor. I hate....i am not able to verbalize what i hate, but there's stuff i hate.

2 years ago my life was inexorably altered - that i guess sums it up. wether the residual wavelets are good or bad, is not the point.

The weight of the existence of cancer is big today

1 comment:

  1. You're amazing, sweetheart. It always astounds me how our lives can change in an instant, in ways we could never imagine. Not feeling as "bad-assery" as you thought is what makes you a cancer bad ass, someone I aspire to be. Many hugs.