4th Graders Rule

I soooo wish i had taken a picture! i need to be more diligent with my camera

On Friday I spoke to my son's 4th Grade class about my experience with breast cancer as part of awareness month. The do an amazing job at that school with it - spearheaded by a male 4th grade teacher there. The kids were all wearing pink and/or had little pink ribbon stickers on their shirts, some funky chickens were wearing the stickers on their  foreheads.

The focus, or how my kid's teacher was tying it all in was about the importance and advancements of modern medicine.

I totally offered to do this but then was so nervous. Not sure how much is appropriate, how much they know, worried about scaring them, or introducing heavy concepts....I'm so open with my own kids about the nitty gritty, but that's because they live it and live with me.

my son was a little worried about it - but when i got there and was up front, he looked very happy and proud, that's a huge part of why i do this stuff

I was relieved to hear that they had prepared questions....
So i pretty much let them open it up and wow, those are some intelligent thoughtful kids! They asked great questions. I noticed that the majority of question were about emotions and feelings "was it stressfull?" "were you scared?", "what were you most scared of?", "how did you feel when you first found out" - amazing

I think an important message i conveyed was that i was scared when i first found out, and that what i was scared of was the unknown - and the truly once i learned more, and had a plan, and trusted my fab doctors, much of the fear was gone. The teacher related that concept to the children by talking about new math concepts being scary until you understand them :)

I also explained a little about why chemo makes your hair fall out, that question was asked, i touched on the physical limitations during treatments, and we talked about how early detection is important and how with that and new medicines i am healthy now.

I was really glad they didn't ask if i was scared of getting cancer again, or if that was even a possibility...my son already knows the realities of cancer including that one, and i just couldn't bear to introduce that lack of truly knowing to the whole group - it's a fine line....

markers of time

tonight i went to back to school night at my daughter's middle school. She's in 8th grade so it's the last year. I went with excitment, i know weird, and i had actualy fun. superweird.
but there's a significance behind that attitude. 3 years ago for 6th grade, i didn't attend, i thought of it as an inconvenient pain in the ass. Find child care to attend, mingle with parents i didn't know, blah blah blah blah.
For 7th grade last year, i was undergoing chemo, a good excuse to miss this time! but yeah, i remember feeling exhausted, and probably was losing hair, to much to deal with.
So this year i was so  happy to go! happy to be different, happy to be in a different place, happy to be happy!
then later tonight, on facebook, you know how they have those new side bars that have your status update from a year ago? well mine this day a year ago was about how shaving my head was so hard
brought back a flood FLOOD of memories and emotions. and just brought home the difference a year makes

glamorous

it's been a whirlwind of late - so many little moments, big revalations, lofty plans & tiny successes

I went on a crazy road trip to Utah, Park City, Deer Valley Resort to be precise. My friend needed someone to help work at an expo, repping triathalon gear. It's party of my new happiness to choose things out of my ordinary. It worked out with kid & work so off i went in a GMC pick up to parts unknown. It was incredible. My friend Joey & I got on so perfectly, we had totally compatible traveling style. The scenery to park city was breathtaking. Park City itself is my new fav place on the planet - even more so in summer. I have zero desire to ever ski so visiting places like this is usually unlikely, but i have always wanted to.
I had no idea it was a mountain biking haven in the summer. The expo was really all about bikes, retailers came to check out the brands, literally, they checked out bikes all day and rode them up and down mountains. Joey & I talked about our best wetsuits ever - Rocket Science Sports - google it - cool story.
I didn't ride a single bike, but i did ride a ski lift! one of my biggest fears. and i love it!
Joey's influence, and that of all the groovy athletic people at the scene have inspired me. I'm "not ruling out" Iron Man in my 5 year plan. Do you think i'm nuts?
I don't swim or ride. hahaha - working on changing that now. little by little

I took a zumba class, that was fun as hell, but at some point that song "I will Survive" came on, and i had a hard time not crying, i know it's not about surviving cancer, but the words in general have a powerful passion. I never know when it's gonna strike me. Like the other day when i went to my doctor for a yearly check up. That set me off in a few ways, one the last time i saw that dr was when my mammogram was ordered, s last time i was there, was the last time my life was normal. Also it's all up in the same place as my surgeries, so odd how it makes me feel just being around there.

my hair is growing so slowly i lovehate it. but the other day at the pool a lady told me i looked glamorous and asked me where i get my hair cut. That made my damn day. So nice to hear when i feel about as sexy as a flower pot with this hair.

ok this is a rambler, just been so long since i posted i felt i needed to chat about stuff

i blame tamoxifen

yay, just spent the evening googling tamoxifen + various words - not really a thrilling way to spend an evening.
I've decided today that i blame tamoxifen for running being hard, for my hips feeling like an old lady's, for my legs like logs, for my inability to lose weight, for being too tired to clean my house, for forgetting stuff
4 years 3.5 months left of taking it

my friend said that i still could be having chemo and anesthesia affects in my body.
i also could be 43

i will keep on truckin
and i'm glad i have it in my arsenal

oh, i just had a hot flash while typing just in case i forgot i was on tamoxifen

Dear Boobs

today is the year anniversary of my mastectomy - i feel mostly fine but when i type that my eyes well up. i'm not sad sad, i'm emotional, and i can't beleive there was a day like that one year ago.
I remember goofing around pre surgery in my gown with my friend Kati. Then when the IV was put in and they started the drugs, i broke down, i finally thought the thought, this is the last day of this life i knew, the boobs i was born with, the boobs that fed my babies, the ones i recognized. I had zero, ZERO idea of what my life would be like a few hours from then.

it was fucking hard the next few weeks recovering, but i also look back at it as one of my favorite times of my life. fuzzy & cozy & so full of love from my peeps. i felt erased somehow, that's not really right, i still felt my old life but i felt a definite division, the past didn't matter and i was a new person, anew. it was oddly freeing. it started a phase that continues where i give less of a shit about the little things. and i know what i can go through, and deal with.

now i'm suprisingly well, i like my new boobs well enough, they certainly look great in clothes, scars ect are on their way to being faded and part of my norm. I still often avoid looking at myself fully, it's like looking past that person in the store you sorta know but dont' want to catch their eye.

 I don't often miss the old me, i decided a long time ago, when i got divorced, that there was no point hanging on to stuff you couldn't change. non attachment. vairagya in Sanskrit, I also draw on the notion of Santosha - contentment, my fav sanskrit word and a guiding principal of yoga philosophy.

Clearly it saved my life to lose them.

I'm having a great year

Little Success - 3 mile run!

this morning i ran 3 miles at the hike & bike trail without any walk breaks for the first time since before cancer - 5 days before the year mark since my mastectomy. I really almost cried, both from the relief of the agony AND from the milestone significance. It felt almost as big as crossing my first half marathon finish line over 3 years ago. I'm planning on running a half marathon in October - The See Jane Run half (look it up, sign up, JOIN ME!) but this time i'm not signing up for an official training group. I'm gonna follow a 10 week training from Runner's World Magazine and get tips from my former running coach Joey, which is really just an exuse to meet for smoothies & talk about running.

I ran slow, probably 12 minute miles, it was hard, my legs hurt, but i know that if i could just do it one time, the first time, that then my body would know i could do it, and then the rest of the times would be cake. I started from scratch the last time too, although i was younger and i hadn't been thru the cancer wringer.
thoughts that got me thru it:
- writing this post & tweeting it
- the feeling of the finish line
 - being a cancer bad ass role model
- the tee shirt i want to design & wear at the race (see end of post)
- losing 15 lbs & wearing a running dress that i'm obsessed with
 - listening to music from the 90s & remembering how much fun i had being young & energetic & wanting that feeling
 - making my mom proud, & my kids
 - and finally the good old "just do it" philosophy

oh, about the tee shirt, i'd really like to get a custom tech tee in pink that says "fuck cancer" but i don't  want to offend people, maybe "F U Cancer"? any other thoughts? I want max impact in your face simple.

also, i want to thank my twitter friends who happen to catch & congratulated my braggy tweet this morning - i want you ALL to know that it all means a lot to me and makes me feel so good. If you ever wonder wether to tweet back to someone a hug or a congrats or a kind word even if you don't know that person - DO IT - it matters, i discovered that big time on this journey

thanks:
@jasoncrouch
@amberdemure
@trophyboutique
@k_mccasland
@CindyRoyal
@1queenofspoons
@awstn_jglo
@urbanbetty
@jacquelinesLife
@HaleyOdom
@TylerJordin
@not_mommy

ok, let's hope i didn't peak today :)

New Ink

but not a piece of art unfortunately

yesterday i had the nipple tattooing - OUCH

it's cool that it's really the "last step" in the reconstruction process besides any touch ups in a few weeks. But i've noticed that i am wimpier with pain now, rather than being used to it, it's the opposite, i feel much more fragile about it.
ALSO - i realized that i now that i feel pretty normal and strong and myself i didn't even consider asking anyone to go with me yesterday, just didn't think it necessary, but going to bed the night before i suddenly wished i had. I need to remember that i can always always use the support of my loves

I owe a very belated birthday post from a month ago!!