Saturday, August 28, 2010

misplaced obsessions

sometimes it's easier to focus on other stuff than cancer & recovery & pain & surgeries & chemo - i call them missplaced obsessions

at first right after surgery it was ocd house clean stuff which if you know me is really odd. but because i was unable to do anything for myself, i was really stubborn at controlling how others put stuff away, washed dishes, every wayward paper or dish had to be picked up, tons of petty things like that. I hated it, and i purposefully made myself get over it, i really did appreciate all the help and wanted to ACT like i did. now my silverware is stored in a totally different order and i get a kick out of seing it every day -  the standard "let it go" lesson.

sometimes my focus is being perfect mom, i'm determined to start cooking family meals, scrapbook with my son, paint my daughter's nails, and that after this is over it's gonna be all different and better and i'm gonna start now.....and see?? i'm amazing, i can do all this and fight cancer, of course i know this is ridiculous  - the standard "i can't do it all" lesson combined with the standards "i am doing the best i can" lesson

currently my missplaced concern is weight gain. I know that is so trivial and not relevant in regards to my health. but i read constantly about how some people gain weight during chemo, i think about actually "dieting" during it, when a friend tells me how the steroids made them gain weight, i think to myself, "oh that won't be me"
everyone tells me not to think about it, focus on being healthy, but when i think about losing my hair, or the current size of my chest, i feel like dammit, i gotta look good somewhere.  it's like insult to injury.
and then i feel guilty for being so concerned with something so trivial. it's hard when i just don't look or feel like my normal self - the standard "i'm beautiful no matter what" (bleagghhhh) lesson and "just focus on my health" lesson

errrgg contsant struggle with my brain to balance gratitude, fear, bravery & exhaustion


  1. Don't beat yourself up for these mis-placed obsessions. Just be grateful that had the energy to do all those little things that make you feel better. get yourself up to #BlogathonATX! ;)

  2. I'm learning-you've gotta control the things you can, let go of the things you can't. I'm not good at it and the weight gain is especially brutal; I went with the "don't worry about your weight right now" and am learning to deal with the extra lbs it put on ... but it's definitely an easier battle than dealing with the chemo and aftermath of that.