I really do believe that the words you say to yourself, your inner tapes, are incredibly powerful. It's not a new mega insightful revelation, positive affirmations have always been touted for creating good things in one's life, negative self messages are well known to eat away and damage self estem and confidence.
So when i remember, i do try to think and talk positively about this cancer, you know, everyone says the positive attitude is what gets you through...it's true i know i know, but i'm also realistic with myself and i cuss and cry and tell it all to fuck off now and then.
BUT the other day i had a super powerful experience around words, and changing them, and my attitude.
I was talking with a fellow warrior, she is further along than i and was talking about how even tho the Doc says it's fine, she feels worried & unconfortable laying on her stomach during yoga class. I totally could relate and said "well we've been through so much - i mean our chest area has been brutally..." and she seemlesly finished my sentance with "....mutilated"
Such strong and violent words, yet when we were talking they made me feel powerful, like yeah, heck yeah, that's what we'e been through, it sucks, it's hard, we're dealing. despite what's been done to us. power.
BUT a few minutes later i was doing some gentle yoga on my mat at home. I like to speak mantras to myself with my breath in passive poses, and i've been working alot with chest/heart opening poses, to physically counter the weeks of sitting on my couch and the effects of surgury, and to mentally open my heart to love & life. So as i stood in mountain, meditating, opening, the words came back to me, "brutally mutilated" and they just didn't feel right in my loving yoga practice.
SO i decided to reword it, change the experience. What came to me was "i was lovingly cared for and tended to by my doctors who worked on me with love and the desire to save my life and make me beautiful" (yeah, kinda long and not as impact-y as the original version) - the result was more powerful. The feeling of gratitude overcame me.
it feels so much better to not feel like a VICTIM of all this - (even though it's still not fair)
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ReplyDeleteYour attitude continues to amaze me! You are inspirational!! Now why weren't you one of my steps on my blog post today?
ReplyDeleteyou have given me goose bumps and always love reading your blogs. Thank you for making me re-think my words as i go through some personal issues too :) You are an inspiration xx
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely love this post!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. And although I am not a cancer survivor per se, I am all too familiar with the ravages of it, as well as the unfortunately ubiquitous phrase 'it's not fair' No, it isn't, it never will be, but that is reality. Still, when one does get hit with something 'unfair' and has to put up with all kids of body raveging torments, we must always remember-we are lucky. We may not be lucky to have been struck down with whatever life hands us, but we are lucky that we have the medicine, the know how, the personal power, to change the course of it all. Nature can break us, but our humanity can also save us. I try to always instill that in my children, but I'm sure you know that at a certain age, they want none of it. Immaturity unfortunately makes them prefer complaining to gratitude.
ReplyDeleteWhen we get caught in one of nature's many completely dispassionate hurricanes, we huddle together for warmth. And for any comfort we are given we are grateful, and in the end, we are stronger and more beautiful.