Sunday, October 3, 2010

music is me

now that the drama of surgery & recovery are past, and chemo is firmly embeded in all my cells & organs, i find myself hard to define.
I don't even know if i know what that means. but this is what if feels like:
I go to usual places, and i feel awkward and alien. I have a head scarf on, tons of make-up. I know i'm pretty but i feel unusual, something to look at. At the grocery store i only feel "normal" when i think of myself as someone other than the nanette i am used to. At school pick up, i hover further down the street. I don't feel like hanging out so much in places i used to feel comfortable.  I rather go to unfamiliar places, because then i am anonymous random person
I'm not ashamed or embarassed about looks, i just don't feel like me.
I don't react to things the same way. I don't see things the same.
I'm not really sad, or depressed, i just don't feel like me
I don't find that nanette i recognize, that impy cute girl with long braids that always got what i wanted, the pink haired daring teenager that lived for shows, that superawesome mom of babes who was so instinctive, that badass single mom who tried to deal with it all.

but i did discover that the only time i truly feel like me, is when i'm listening to rock n roll, on my ipod, in my car. it's the only time i'm not in my head, i'm just being. being me. Music IS me

I know that going through this has changed me completely, one day the chemo will be out of my system, my scars will fade, i'll run without getting out of breath, (i'll run!) and normalcy will ensue, but i never will be the same. And the reason i'm not sad, is that i know i will be better.
but thank god for rock n roll


  1. sounds like the normal aftermath of the self reflection of a survivor of a traumatic event, very (excuse the pun) healthy for the mind to share it.
    another friend who is in recovery who also inspires touched my hair (or lack of) the other day and said 'I have more hair than you now' she then added ' why is it the first hair that grows back is the hair on your lip'

  2. Loving your blog, Nanette. It feels like it's really good for you to be writing it.



  3. Nanette, music IS you...that is so right, and something I'd even forgotten...rock on!!!

  4. Music is all around us. All you have to do, is listen.
    (August Rush)

  5. It's weird to look back and know that we can never be our old selves. Huge things- good ones like babies, and crappy ones like sickness- change us, but there are parts of our old selves that will always be there. So glad you are finding that healing connection in music- Rock on!

  6. We all need ways to help us be in the moment. You're right, music is a wonderful way to help us relax and stop thinking- so Rock on!
    You're blog is very inspiring. You are a such a strong and beautiful woman. Sending you love and light.

  7. Your positivity is inspiring. Thank you for being such a beautiful light. xxx