Sometimes when i go about my day, grocery store, coffee shop, walk in my neighborhood, with my gypsy head scarf look, i am convinced of course that people look at me. They probably are, i don't blame them. But i am always convinced i know what they are thinking.
The teenage girls look with a bit of fear, and distance, the beautiful neighorhood moms out running look with pity and glad it's not me thoughts, maybe a bit of wow she's so brave thrown in. The men driving by, also sympathy, tho more detatched than the women.
but one day, a man drove by in my neighborhood when i was walking, and he smiled at me, and i had a sudden epiphany, it's far more likely that the teenagers are looking at me thinking, yeah, that was my mom last year, the women are thinking, i remember when so & so lost her hair, the men may be remembering when they supported their wife 5 years prior, and thought she was still beautiful with no hair.
That's sad that that is so likely, but it's also comforting. It's helped me to think this way, it makes me see myself as stronger, as a person to inspire, not as a spectacle, an object.
ps. i realize that almost every blog post i write, has two feelings about something, a sad, scared, neg side, and an opposite counter, is that because i'm a crazy gemini? or is that the nature of trauma and the blessings. Oh yeah, it's both