Ok, here's the scoop everyone is waiting for...my treatment plan, first facts - then feelings:
(oh and i'm listening to Blonde on Blonde as i write, which both comforts me and makes my eyes well up, Dylan always has a way of allowing me to feel how i feel, if you know what i mean)
Thursday July 8th I'm going in for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction using tissue expanders, i want the works :-) - during surgery they will also insert a port, because July 27th i will be starting the dreaded chemo.
I will be getting TC chemo, 4 rounds every 3 weeks. i kept hoping i would magically be exempt, but my oncotype testing, despite my strong progesterone & estrogent receptor positive-ness, still put me slightly into the intermedeate range of reccurance within 5 years.
After chemo is done, I will have the replacement surgury, and from what i've seen and heard, it's a piece o cake and the joy of no more tisssue expanders overtakes it all.
then 5 years of tamoxifin
so weird that so much of this is my choice to make - but i felt such a strong pull to doing whaterthefuck it takes to ensure that on the other side, i live the best happiest, as low stress as poss, ultimate quality of life. And not undergoing all this stuff, would mean too much worry, what iffs, diligent monitoring, all the stress inducing stuff that actually is a factor in getting cancer.
I don't wanna lose my hair, little by little i try to get to picturing it, imagining what i will do ect.. Jenn, my exhusbandscurrentwife had the cutest scarves when she was in chemo, she learned them by watching african american hair videos on youtube, who knew. She'll teach me :)
Everyone says i need a hot pink bob wig, haha, it's true i do.
I admit, i'm kinda excited about the cute short haircuts i will have as it grows back, i always want to cut it but never have the nerve. In fact i will probably get one pixieish cut right before chemo.
I feel at peace, it is what it is, like i said, i kept hoping i would be magically exempt from the whole ugly scoop because i'm Nanette and i'm special, but somwhere in the last week, i came to realize that this is what it takes, thousands of amazing women do this and worse. I'm not special in cancer. we all are. I will be special in other ways.
i am scared tho
AND - I'm determined to make it the Bob Dylan show August 4th
Just Like a Woman - lyrics by Bob Dylan
Nobody feels any pain
Tonight as I stand inside the rain
That Baby's got new clothes
But lately I see her ribbons and her bows
Have fallen from her curls
She takes just like a woman, yes she does
She makes love just like a woman, yes she does
And she aches just like a woman
But she breaks just like a little girl