Monday, July 19, 2010
so it's been a week & a half since surgery and just over a week since i got home. i think i needed to get out of the emotional & physical fog before i could update on here, i get exhausted talking, and also had i written during the initial post op haze there was high risk of major TMI - hahaha
the hospital stay is kind of a blur, but a fun one. I didn't have any pain really thanks to the lovely iv and constant flow of juice. i did often fall asleep mid conversation, or worse i remember waking up from little naps and dreams and start talking to whoever was there and have no idea what i was really talking about, that was cute. My best friends, mom & boyfriend were all there on & off the whole time. Elizabeth brought me a cupcake, took me for a walk around the ward, Beth helped me brush my teeth, Kati bombarded my room with hot pink roses, giant balloons & pink monkey, Laurie passed on "chemo bear" that i acutally snuggled one nap, Cory brought her sunshine as one of my first faces i remember coming into focus, my dude braved the dreaded cot to stay all night, Jan, Danielle, my bro even my cute dad, barely out of hospital himself.
All the tweets & texts & facebook comments add to the super heart filling feelings that make all this so much more bearable.
Beinig home has been amazing too, many thanks to Roggie for setting up food delivery schedule, so nice knowing my fridge is constantly stocked with super healthy yummy foods.
Had some pain transitioning to pain meds at home, having the drains is a drag. being able to take a shower is a blessing yet it's a pain in the ass to do and wears me out big time.
I'm surprisingly not stir crazy nor do i have cabin fever
I'm a bit bored and have watched more tv marathons on tbs, bravo, food network and tlc to last a lifetime.
the port site creeps me out a little, i won't go into detail but if you know what that is you know what i mean.
The expanders are as i heard, uncomfortable
I'm tired of being on pain meds - i wanna be all they way clear headed, but i'm learning to enjoy the veg
I was surprised at my OCD ness when i first got home, i never have had to tell people what to do in such detail before, am letting that go
Getting better at accepting all the help without guilt
At times the future vision is overwhelming and i cry, i can't imagine doing yoga, or running, or getting dressed in my usual clothes, i can't imagine myself dealing with chemo after this, i can't picture myself with different boobs, being care free, and when i think of the final stage not being till Nov/Dec i can't breathe.
But then someone keeps me focused on now, and I'm OK, now.
Or i count my humongous blessings and see the big picture.
My fear of looking at my physical shape post surgery was bigger than the reality - i expected the worst emotionally, but found it strangely easy. This isn't "me" it's just the beginning, not the finished product.
so despite physical discomfort and expected tough emotions at times - i'm really doing well. and i owe so much of it to my loves who are taking care of my heart and body, esp my bf who is heroic in all he does for me - although he would not like to read that - i love you guys.
thanks also to the BCRC (breast cancer resource center) for providing the ultra cute and handy camisoles to wear, they have pockets to hold the drains, BEST INVENTION EVER!
next up...drains OUT, expanders expanded...we'll see how that all goes down