Thursday, July 29, 2010

schedule schmedule

i really need to stop with the expectations and planning
i always think of myself as so go with the flow and easy going, and really i am, but in this, i have found that counting days, figuring out when stuff is gonna happen or be over, gives me a sense of control, except it doesn't...

so first of all, i didn't start chemo on the 27th, i changed that to Aug 10th a while ago, cos somehow i just knew the 27th would be too soon. I was right.

I am recovering from surgery a bit slower than i expected.
the magical date of 2 weeks after surgery came, and my drains weren't ready to come out. 2 of them did, but the other 2 were nowhere close. drains are annoying, yucky, and constricting. my warddrobe is limited to the camisoles with pockets, the tube sites hurt. and it is frustrating to not be like i was supposed to be.
I'm also still in more pain and more tired than i imagined i would be.
Then i got a low grade fever &  some redness at one of the incision sites. Luckily i had a prescription for antibiotic on hand so hopefully that will take care of any potential infection.

Good news is today i did get the last two drains out - FREEDOM! sadly it hurt so effin much i cried my eyes out, and it pretty much wiped my whole day out. my poor sweet plastic surgeon wiped my eyes with tissue and joked i was crying tears of gratitude for my Dr. he felt so bad.
Also a bummer is that i didn't get expanded at all, i haven't once since surgery, he wants to wait till the redness goes.  this is when he said the words "you are a bit behind schedule, but it's all good" - thankfully what imprinted was the it's all good part. 
I take it as a lesson, to let go and be ok with a plan and schedule that is out of my control. And to trust.
I tend to catastrophize things if it's not EXACTLY how i was told or what i expected, and obsess that it must be all wrong.  The people around me are reaallllyyy good at recoginzing that and snapping me out of it. 

oh, and Dr H wants to walk on my Komen Race for the Cure Team, even though Beth & I warned him he would have to don a bedazzled tee shirt, i think it was the promise of Tito's bloody mary's. whatever, it's awesome.


  1. Hey there,

    I'm sorry the universe is messing with your Plan A! Must be really frustrating. But Plan B's are often just as good and you might just end up with better results. Look at it this way-your body is taking a little bit longer cause it wants to get it all just perfect for it's most lovely host :-)

  2. Bless your heart, Nan-- You're always in my thoughts, and I know you're strong enough to pull through this, with the added bonus of knowing that you can truly take on anything and kick its ass.

  3. So sorry things are hard right now. Sending lots of love your way XOXOXO

  4. Nani, you are on no one's schedule but your own. It takes as long as it takes! For the record, I find medical personnel tend to underestimate how long it takes for you to "snap back," particularly if they have not had the experience themselves.

  5. I'll bring a kajillion more Retro Bizarro snacks if that'll make your pain go away, Nan. It's amazing how you turn a crappy day into something positive like the fact you inspired your doctor to walk in the Race for the Cure with you. You're amazing!!

  6. You are one strong cookie :) Keep strong and Keep Smiling :)

  7. Nanette, I'm bringing you some love and dinner tomorrow evening (Sunday). Let me know if you need anything else at all! Movie?